CHAPTER 4 · 3 · Conflicting

“HELLOOOOOOOO! Are you guys hearing me? Are you guys paying attention to me? Good, good. Great news! First of all – today starts now! Second of all – get ready to be motivated! You know what that means, right? See you at noon, let’s say… in the gymnasium, for tradition’s sake. As you know, this is another one of these “or else” type of announcements.”
Grmbl… My head hurts…
I’m confused…
Noon… Announcement… Or else type of announcement… Noon… Noon…
“Argh…!”
My heart skips a beat. I suddenly make sense of what I just heard. Another motive? Already? Can’t we catch a break?

We’re being killed one after the other.

Is it eventually going to be my turn?

A wave of panic washes over me. I practically run out of bed and almost hit the bathroom’s door on my way in. Rushing into the shower, I feel my breathing overwhelm me faster and faster…
Why…? I… can’t even make sense of most of what’s going on in my brain. I try to calm down as I continue to get ready…
What for, though? Is there any reason to be calm?
…
I still try my best, and when I walk out of my room, I tell my brain to focus on getting me to the dining room.

I walk into the dining room and find myself face to face with Alice.
“Ah… Hm.”
She takes a small step back and looks away.
“Oh, uh, sorry…”
“C… Come on.”
Pinching her lips, Alice tries to walk past me. Taken by surprise, I awkwardly step to the side, but I’m a little hesitant and accidently stay in the way.
“Hey, ju-just hang on! I understand not wanting to, to deal with this right away in the morning, but can we maybe agree on a time to have a t—”
“No.”
She stops dead in her tracks, and my first thought is that I’m being a hindrance. I finally step out of the way, just a tiny bit late.
“I… I really have to try.”
“Well, you have.”
Alice sighs.
“If I...”
Jan is practically in the background of the scene, watching the two from a distance with a worried face.
“Is there any way I can…”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
She finally walks past me and through the door.
I… can’t even breathe, for some reason.
“What the hell?!”
Akiro rushes to the door, but I think she’s already out of the building.
“What has Jan done to you? What’s wrong with you?!”
He looks out of the room before backing up, clenching his fists.
“C’mere, Neo.”
…Me? I look at Akiro then Chris rapidly turn after turn. The writer has turned his head like he doesn’t want to look at me. The gymnast, meanwhile, is sitting at the breakfast table with Chloe and Isabella.
I don’t know what good that’ll bring, but I walk up to them.
“Did the announcement wake you up too?”
“Y…Yes.”
Now that I’ve moved, it seems Akiro has decided to walk back to Jan. I can’t help myself from looking at them.
Jan doesn’t say anything at first.
“I know I’m… no good...”
“Hm-hm.”
The pianist shakes his head sadly, unable to take his eyes off the door. My heart hurts, my throat burns. Why does this have to be happening?
“Hmm...”
“I...”
He struggles to inhale and my chest hurts even more.
“I haven’t done… anything…”
…
Not one person in this room isn’t looking at Jan.
“I… try to do everything right…”
Akiro grabs his hand and, right away, Jan grips it solidly.
“Hng…”
He hazards a hesitant glance at all of us. This is hell. His face is distorted by more sadness than seems appropriate – it feels like punishment for every heartwarming smile he’s sent our way.
And I think he knows it, because he takes a deep breath and makes a visible effort to relax his expression into a simple grimace.
“Refusing to eat breakfast with me… that really hurts my feelings.”
“I want to eat mine with you! Sit your ass down!”
“Yes... Sorry.”
He manages a shy smile.
“I’ll be right here.”
Still holding Akiro by the hand, he turns towards the kitchen and disappears inside.
…I feel nauseous.
“Well… Good morning, I guess.”
“Ha.”
This burned its way out of my throat out of its own volition.
“Damn it, man…”
Both girls sigh. Isabella is staring blankly at the spoon she’s silently stirring into a coffee cup.
“Is that girl fucking stupid?”
“W-What?”
She ignores me.
“In any case, I’ll talk to Alice later.”
“I’d like to chat with her too, but… I don’t know if she’d be receptive.”
I fell asleep almost immediately after going back to my room last night. It feels like I just talked to Alice, and…
She seemed more sure of herself then.
The scent of warmed viennoiseries informs me that Jan has come back, with of course, Akiro in tail.
“You guys didn’t even let me make you anything special.”
“Hm? You don’t need to, I like those.”
Chloe leans herself to look at the generous platter Jan has placed in the middle of the table.
“...Expertly warmed by yours truly.”
That smile on his face seems more natural… but…
Mine is fine, but I don’t want to know his heart is aching.
“Yeah, I bet it takes an expert.”
Jan grabs a pain au chocolat and hands it to Akiro who grabs it, a little bit childishly, in both hands.
“Lovingly, then.”
“…Yeah. We know.”
Chris smiles, but her eyes are filled with worry.
…
“Haaaaaa...”
I let out a loud sigh.
“You’re gonna eat something, right?”
Akiro sits down on the chair next to Jan, prompting him to sit down too.
“How could I not?”

I… ate… breakfast… with my friends.
Jan, Akiro, Chris, Chloe and Isabella… Keith and even Lois joined us later.
It’s only us.
No Ciel or Mina. Oscar was never our friend. No Andi to badger Keith… and I guess Benjamin can’t hurt us anymore.
Noah is gone and Emily… only ever haunts us.
For some reason, as Akiro and Jan are about to leave the room, Isabella rushes to grab Jan’s… hand?
“…Huh?”
Huh? Huh? Wait, what? Why is she touching him like that? She seemingly reaches for his thigh…
…She slips her hand in his pocket and takes out a piece of paper.
“Ha!”
“What? What happened?”
The girls were chatting about what to do next when Isabella just… went rogue.
“What the… What the hell?”
Akiro looks at the paper inside Isabella’s hand and begins to lunge towards her—
“Give this back, you—”
But Jan backs his hand upwards to stop him.
“No, it’s fine. Let her look.”
“Are, are you sure…?”
“Realistically, what’s the harm?”
Isabella stares at the both of them with a somewhat smug expression.
“What business do you have looking through his pocket?”
“I caught a glance of it, is all.”
Still watching the two boys, she unfolds the small piece of paper. When she’s done, she looks down at it and… grimaces.
“What the hell is this?”
Akiro looks away. Jan looks at her calmly, like he wasn’t just clearly hurting.
“What do you make of it?”
“Why are you carrying a bunch of random squiggles in your pocket…?”
“Why are you looking at them?... It looks like none of your business.”
“Exactly…”
I… I have no idea either. For some reason, Lois decides to stand up and, silently, walk up to Isabella to look at the note.
“What do you want now?”
“Ah… Those look too deliberate to be random squiggles. They’re likely a coded message.”
“Oh!”
The Ultimate Make-up Artist looks excited again. She waves the paper in Jan’s face.
“Who’s it from, then, huh? Who’s writing you secret messages?”
“Ha...”
Lois looks me dead in the eye. My heart skips another beat.
“I’m not telling you, obviously.”
“Maybe it’s just… private…”
“Why does it have to be coded? Akiro’s already got you at his fingertips. And it’s not like your idiot girlfriend was planning on pushing you away.”
“…Tsk.”
“...I don’t think it’s a bad thing for other people to know this message exists.”
“Will you tell us what it says?”
“No. It was entrusted to me, so, unless something changes…”
Jan turns his head to Akiro to pass his hand through his hair.
“It’s only in the event that something happens to me…”
The writer’s face turns red, but I don’t think he’s happy.
He even pushes Jan away, staring at the floor.
“D-Don’t get emo on me. That’s not happening.”
“Tch. Look at you.”
Frustrated, Isabella swiftly folds the paper again and practically throws her hand in Jan’s face.
“You’re only brave enough to think about being the one something happens to.”
“…I’m the one with the paper in my pocket, am I not?”
He takes it off her hands to put it back where it apparently belongs.
“I’m talking about you being soft. You’re thinking, “wouldn’t that be sad for Akiro?” – and you take on comforting him ahead of time.”
“I don’t want your comfort.”
“Because you’re smart enough to be scared.”
“Get out of my face!”
Akiro steps in-between her and Jan.
“…You’re funny.”
Jan smiles at Isabella – biting his finger.
“... …Hilarious.”
She throws her head back and walks around the two boys to head towards the door.
“I hope nothing happens to either of you,” she whispers.
“Where the fuck are you going now?”
Without another comment, Isabella makes her way out.
“Ugh…”
Chris stands up to follow her. Hesitantly, Chloe decides to do the same…
…
I raise my head to look at Jan and Akiro. The writer ruffles through his own hair like he’s trying to shake something away.
Is that what Isabella wants? For us to think about the worst-case scenario at all times?
And does she think we don’t do it enough?
I… I’m tempted to…
I bite my tongue. This is so annoying. Lois is in the room, so I’d much rather stay here. Still…
Damn it, I’ve decided. I need to talk to Isabella.
Following Chloe, I make my way out of the room and jog a few steps to reach the three girls.
“What was the deal with that anyway?!”
While Chris apparently admonishes her, Isabella glances at me.
“And what the fuck does he want now?”
“Uhm…”
“Ah, Neo.”
Chris stops in her tracks, and apparently, Isabella has it in her to stop as well.
“Uhm… Uhm, maybe Neo’s upset, you know, because… it would make sense…”
“I, I don’t think I’m any more upset than anyone else.”
I’m tempted to stare at my feet but, grimacing, I force myself to look at Isabella.
“I don’t understand what you want.”
“Is that so? You wouldn’t be the first.”
“You decide to antagonise Jan and then you whisper that you don’t want anything to happen to him.”
“Really? Did you say that?”
Chloe butts in before Isabella can answer.
“You shouldn’t make things more worrying for Jan!”
“I’m not doing that. Alice is.”
“Hmm…”
“And you’re... you’re clearly not siding with her, right?”
“I don’t see why I’d be taking sides.”
“It’s called a bias and you clearly have one.”
“…Pff.”
“What do you want from Jan anyway?”
She stares at me but doesn’t answer.
“What do you want… at all?!”
If eating made me feel a little better, my muscles still feel like they’re burning. If she doesn’t have feelings in the game, why is she causing a fight? If not Jan, does she think Akiro needs that right now? I just want to give those two a break…!
“I don’t fucking know! Isn’t that clear?!”
She finally takes a step in my direction, and I… take a step back.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to eat for lunch. I don’t know what I want to do tomorrow. I don’t know what I want to do with my future. I don’t know what my favourite perfume is. And I don’t have time to think about it!”
“Huh? But… What are you talking about?”
“I never know anything! Just decide!”
I… don’t know what to say to that.
“…What I’m getting is that you already have a problem of never knowing what you want and it’s not going to get any better now.”
“It’s not like it matters.”
Isabella crosses her arms and turns slightly to the side – to stop looking at me.
“Honestly, it’s your bad for paying attention to me. Just leave me alone.”
“Hmm… Well, see, I’m stubborn…”
“And I don’t have anything better to do, so.”
“...Would you look at that. The Ultimate Make-up Artist, being taken pity to.”
“We’re all Ultimates here.”
“I know.”
“…So?”
“All the more reason... For you to know I’m not special. To leave me alone.”
“Honestly… This seems contradictory to… how you act sometimes.”
“In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter what I want.”
“What’s… the deal, exactly? That you’re used to getting everything you want because you’re a celebrity, and you’re frustrated that the tables have—”
“What?!”
Another step towards me. She’s… an imposing woman, and she’s angry at me. All of that to say, I take another step back.
“How dare you?”
“For fuck’s sake, if you’re gonna be offended when Neo misunderstands you, why don’t you just explain yourself?!”
“Fine! If you care so much!”
She flicks her head back again, which moves her twintails behind her shoulders. Chris is hot-headed and swears easily, but her anger feels different to the make-up artist’s – she might be muscular, but I’ve never felt like she would turn against me.
“If you think my talent means I’m a diva who gets looked after, you’re an imbecile.”
“You could have just said “wrong”.”
…The no-nonsense way in which Chris appears to be on my side is actually very comforting.
“I work for a prestigious agency. My boss tolerates nothing less than the best. If I’m the Ultimate… it’s because I always perform perfectly and never give in to the pressure.”
“Welp, that ship has sunk.”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
“Hmm… I don’t understand something…”
Isabella sighs, but she lays her hand flat in Chloe’s direction.
“Ask away.”
“If you’re the Ultimate… why aren’t you the boss? How can someone be more qualified than you…?”
“...Hmpf.”
She looks bitter.
“If I stopped working to waste time fighting for the role, then wouldn’t that lose me my qualification as the Ultimate Make-up Artist?”
“Huh?”
“I’m the Ultimate Make-up Artist… because I can withstand the pressure.”
She lowers her gaze, pinching her lips.
“That’s why… if I get out of here… I will have no choice but to get right back to work. I might even have to work harder to compensate for lost time.”
“Wha—Are you telling yourself that an abusive boss is instrumental to your talent?”
“Who knows?... I don’t.”
Her gaze doesn’t leave the floor.
“Work hard everyday to study and become the best. But the story doesn’t end with a diploma. Be thrown into a place of work and from the early hours of the morning to late at night… Sleep for a couple hours at best and tell yourself, “I’ll think of something tomorrow”.”
“Don’t you get… week-ends? Vacations?”
“Week-ends, sometimes.”
“That’s… That’s not right…!”
It’s a stare rather than a gaze. Wide-eyed, I wonder what Isabella thinks she’s looking at.
“A girl breaks down crying in front of a famous actor and she’s fired. Another girl faints and she’s told to get back to work right afterwards. Is that right? How do I feel about it? I’ll think about it when the job’s done. There’s this client, and then this next, and then I have to sit there and listen to her complain about everything that happened today. I can’t even hear my own thoughts. Go home and fall asleep. Wake up early and go back to work.”
“But… why do you do it?”
“Because... If I stop… If I lose it all… Then everything I’ve done up to now will have been a waste.”
“It doesn’t have to—…”
“My life is meaningless.”
“N…”
…
The kind of statement to silence a room.
“No…”
“All of that to say – I’ll answer your question. Days go by and I haven’t had a thought to myself in a while. An individual asks me for an answer or an opinion, and I say “I’ll think about it when I have time.” The time never came. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be thinking about anymore, and I’m not sure I’ve ever taken a single decision.”
“And now…”
“I don’t know how to.”
She finally raises her head to look at Chris.
“If I’m not doing my job... I’m directionless.”
“Isn’t this… an opportunity to learn, then? No one… no one is making you work.”
“An opportunity it is! Hey, will you be my girlfriend? Will you be in my LIFE?”
She tears up.
It’s…
It’s hard to look at her.
“I… I don’t want this. Is that what life is about? If it’s meant to hurt like this, then… I’d rather go back to work and never think about it ever again! The only things I need to know about are make-up and faces. No, I don’t have an opinion on the weather, because I never see the sunlight!”
“It’s…”
Chris opened her mouth to say “it’s not”, but for some reason, she swallowed back her words.
“There’s… there’s an entire world outside…”
“…Well, isn’t that scary?”
“W-What?”
“I don’t know what I want from it. I could give up on everything to try and think about it, but I don’t even know that I’d succeed.”
“But… You don’t want to do nothing but work, right? You’re not… happy...”
Isabella closes her eyes. Right then… Keith walks by us and towards the stairs, turning a concerned glance our way.
I wouldn’t know what to tell him, though.
“I work and that’s that. I shouldn’t be stuck here, asking myself any question. There’s no good or bad person underneath my make-up – it doesn’t matter as long as it’s the best.”
Before he makes his way up, I notice Keith turning to look at us again.
“Are you worried? There’s four of us, so we should be fine.”
“…You know, I get it.”
“What?”
“Workin’ yourself to death to keep your Ultimate, never putting it into question. I understand that.”
“Pff. As if.”
Isabella turns her head to Chris.
“I’m telling you I do. I understand your feelings.”
“Well, I don’t want to hear it from you.”
“I thought you wanted to be understood.”
“Lesson learned.”
She looks at her again with a smug expression.
“I wouldn’t have known myself, but you just taught me that I don’t. Thank you.”
“...Tsk.”
“Huh... But, but… Uh…”
“If that’s how you’re gonna be...”
“W-What?”
“I’ve had enough. I don’t wanna hear it.”
“What are you…”
“I’m going.”
Chris steps away from us and makes a beeline towards the stairs.
“Ah…!”
“But… wait, Chris!”
She’s already climbing the first few steps when she hits the brakes and turns around.
“I’m sorry, but I think removing myself from the situation is the mature thing to do right now. If you can handle her, then you’re stronger than me.”
She resumes her way away.
“Not that I’ve ever doubted that.”
And there she goes.
“Chris…”
Chloe quickly turns her attention back to Isabella.
“You… You said something that hurt her feelings, didn’t you? Wasn’t that… a decision you took?”
“...No. I didn’t “think it through”, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“And aren’t you… aren’t you ashamed?”
“No, I don’t really care.”
“Pff… You’re…”
Chloe looks at me, as though looking for validation, but I’m… I’m completely taken aback by everything that’s happened.
She probably sees that and looks at Isabella again.
“You’re lucky. I hope you learn how to behave in society someday. You’re lucky Chris is so understanding, because I… if I didn’t see her try to talk to you, I would have given up a while ago.”
“...I thought you were stubborn.”
“And with Chris’ help, I’ll stay true to my word.”
The Ultimate Gardener turns to me again.
“Neo, I don’t know what to do. I need your help with something.”
“Huh, what? Like, suddenly?”
“Because Chris left... It’s going to be difficult for me to go see Alice without leaving Isabella behind.”
“Oh… Oh?”
“Isabella isn’t respectful of Alice, so I can’t bring her with me, especially not now... Could you…”
Ah, that's a sudden change of pace... So my next mission will be to go see Alice…? I hadn’t thought about that. I assumed I wouldn’t be capable of helping her, but… At the same time, I would be happy to spend some time with her.
“Could you stay with Isabella while I go see her?”
“Hmm… Huh? What?”
“Listen, I… I think Isabella mentioned wanting to do her nails. Besides, that stinks, so I’d rather not be here for it. So this is ideal.”
“I… Uh… I guess…”
“Thank you so much, Neo. I’ll make sure to let you know how Alice is going.”
And she…
She left…!
“A-Ah-I-Hah…?”
“Pfft... I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.”
“Chloe! This was not socially appropriate behaviour by any meaning of the word…!”
I hazard a hesitant glance at Isabella. I’m… What am I supposed to do…?
“Well, I’m not keeping you here.”
“N-No, I have to… Uhm… Even if it annoys you, we’re not going to risk your safety.”
“Is that so...? Oh well.”
She turns towards the stairs. I’m… supposed to follow her.
I wanted to see Aliiiiicee…
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to make conversation. I’d suggest you grab a book on your way up, but you’d probably bother Chris who ran to cry in her new boyfriend’s arms.”
“Do you… Do you think everyone who enjoys spending time together has to be in a relationship?”
“Hmm...”
I join her in the stairway. I… truly don’t plan on antagonising her if I can avoid it.
“I suppose I only know what I’m familiar with.”