CHAPTER 4 · 2 · Mimosa

I’m feeling flustered…
It’s as though I’m drowning in an ocean of despair…
…and the hook that latches through my throat is my only hope for escape.
“What do you think, Neo?”
“Wuh?”
“How should we go about informing the others?”
“About… About the DVDs, right.”
“Yes.”
While I was looking for mine, Akiro suggested taking everyone’s, I assume for safekeeping.
“I guess... It depends… On whether we really have a way to play them…?”
I’d be interested in knowing that.
“I suppose.”
“We m… We might be able to, to use the screen in the auditorium. Though I’m not sure…”
“There’s also that room with all the computers.”
“Yeah, one of them works, right? It has all the basic programs like NEWINDOWS Media Player.”
“Hah, so that means…! We could…!”
…This is so weird. The name “NEWPaintGigaX” is resonating in my head, but I don’t even know what that is. Is it a program that really exists? It sounds stupid. It sounds like I’m losing it.
“Are you gonna watch yours, Neo?”
“…Y-Yeah, I think so.”
“Well, why not? I don’t really feel like watching mine, though.”
“Me neither…”
Akiro looks so obviously like something else wants to escape his lips that both Jan and I wait for the rest, looking at him.
“…I’m more interesting in my head than reality.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s true, though. I haven’t done anything interesting in a long time.”
Is that so…? I thought he travelled a lot.
“But you’re you, and now there’s the future!”
Jan’s grip on the two boxes in his hands intensifies as he takes an excited step towards his redhead of choice.
The latter lets out a chuckle with a bittersweet expression.
“Yeah, so... Those DVDs are of no use to us.”
“That’s true.”
…
Jan is nice to everyone. He charms everyone. Seeing his tender smile, even though it’s not directed at me, I feel myself melting…
It’s like he wants us all to fall in love with him, indistinctively.
Like he wants it to really hurt us, if something were to…
“As I was saying, since we might be able to watch these, it might be important to ensure everyone gets theirs.”
…Argh, even though it’s tempting, I shouldn’t be thinking so negatively.
When Jan is so nice to all of us, it would be disrespectful to look at who he is as an attack, something to shield myself from.
(Although, seeing the concerned look he just shot me, I’m tempted to think he might be hearing my thoughts.)
“I kinda wish I could say it’s just not our problem, but with you...”
“Be serious... It could be really dangerous, if someone watched everyone else’s videos.”
He shakes his head, grimacing, like he’s having very worrying thoughts. I don’t like seeing that.
“How about we put them in a locker for now?”
“...Oh?”
“…If you can calm your appetite for pieces of metal, you could keep the key and bring people to get theirs when they ask. This way, it’s not like you’ll be carrying them with you somewhere you might watch them.”
“Pff… Hmm… Do you think that might keep them safe, while appearing less threatening…?”
“B-B-But that still leaves Jan with the responsibility of being the one who… …!”
Suddenly and visibly unnerved, Akiro’s face gets the usual red, and when he takes a step towards me, I might not feel threatened, but I do feel called out.
Before I can think “ouch,” though, he swallows his spit and continues:
“Fine, I’ll do it.”
“What…?”
The red-faced redhead keeps talking with his eyes directed to the floor.
“I’m keeping the box because I know I won’t do anything wrong with it. If anyone doesn’t believe me, well what? Do they want me to keep it then? Come get your DVD and shut up.”
“What’s… What’s that about?”
“If after everything Jan has done for us, I have to hear a single person put him into question, I swear I’ll… I’ll…”
…I think I’d rather not have to look him in the eyes right now.
“…Well, I trust you with them, so if anyone questions you, I’ll back you up.”
“Hah…”
That being said, when he turns his head to look at the angel in the room, I think he’s probably lost the scary look.
“We work better this way, don’t we?”
“If someone assumes the worst from me, I cry. If someone assumes the worst from you… I also cry, but then I bite.”
The writer sighs.
“I don’t want you to cry any longer…”
Cry? Maybe Akiro was deeply impacted seeing Jan cry during the trial… He was a bit weird about that, too.
“Then how do you think I feel?”
He shakes his head.
“Let’s do that. Even if the others think it’s weird, it can’t be weirder than showing everyone what it looks like when you try to swallow a piece of metal. Let’s keep those safe.”
“Yes…”
“I didn’t mean to upset you with my idea, though…”
“N-No, it’s fine… We would have gone in circles otherwise.”
“On top of music school, I go to the school of overthinking. Speaking of…”
…Speaking of overthinking?
“This was the last room on the map, right? I should really get started on lunch.”
Right, he has to start working ahead of time.
“You’re always thinking about making us food, huh…”
“Of course. It’s such an important time of the day.”
“Is it really worth overworking yourself…?”
“It is. It really is.”
The “Ultimate Pianist”, who should be re-labelled the Ultimate Cook, takes a few steps towards the door before turning to me once more.
“When we’re all eating together in the dining room, do you feel like someone’s going to attack? Like one of us might die?”
…
A shiver goes down my spine, leaving a cold spot all over my neck and back.
He’s right.
I don’t.
“Do you really enjoy cooking?”
He sighs again, but his expression relaxes.
“More than anything else. I found this peace by coincidence.”
With that, he grabs the box of DVDs in front of Akiro’s face and walks out of this frankly embarrassing new room, and both of us follow him without hesitation.
“You can carry it, but you understand I’ll be in charge of the locker, right?!”

…“More than anything?”
I let the Boys make a stop in the locker room, checking from outside that Jan didn’t listen to his heart and jump inside the pool fully clothed.
Walking down the stairs, staring at my personal DVD, unrelated words ring through my mind again.
Maybe I should… go, right away…
“Neo?”
“Hm? Yes?”
How many floors down did we walk? My legs hurt, but I’m trying very hard not to pay attention to that. To the point of not paying any attention at all.
“Lois will eat with us from now on, right?”
“Oh, uh, yeah, I think so?”
Lois… Seriously, Lois… Just from thinking about her, my heart beats intensely in its acid bath again.
“She should! Why don’t you go remind her?”
“Ah? Wah? Wuh?”
I honestly don’t know what floor we’re on, but Jan stops mid-way through the stairway. As always, Akiro stops with him.
“Would you rather I go?”
“Waah?”
“She seems to like me, so she'll probably welcome me with open arms. It might be a good idea.”
“N-No! Fuck you!”
Argh, why did that come out of me? Maybe Jan was expecting it, because he simply laughs.
“I’d really like for her to eat with us, so I think you should take that opportunity to go talk to her.”
“What are you… his wingman?”
“What? It’s wholesome! He was interested in her from the start!”
…
If I’m this obvious…
I really have no right to say anything about Akiro…
“W-What’s that big sigh about? You didn’t think it was a secret, did you…?”
Sob!

(And with that, once we reached the first floor, I went a separate way from Akiro and Jan, hoping to find Lois.)

She could be anywhere, but since we didn’t run into her, I assume I should try her room first. That’s why I made my way to the dormitory. I quickly went to my room to lock my DVD safely away, and now, I knock on her door.
…
… …
… … … She opens it a sliver.
“…It’s you.”
“Y-Yes…”
She opens the door in full, and I immediately notice that she’s in a bad mood. It’s written all over her face.
“Let me look…”
She steps closer to me, and, standing on the tip of her toes, starts to examine my face.
She stares me in the eyes…
With her deep blue eyes…
They have a slight grey tint – on top of her pale skin, her deep red hair stands out beautifully.
“I see. Empty as always.”
She falls back on her heels, looking away dismissively.
“Huh? What?”
“What do you want from me?”
“F-First of all, why are you angry?”
“Pff…”
She crosses her arms. “Frustrated” might have been the word.
“I don’t understand why… I’m tired of…”
She shakes her head.
“And you know, at this point I wish I could just…”
She lets out a long sigh.
“Frankly, I didn’t ask for…”
She marks a pause longer than the others.
“…That’s all.”
“You… You didn’t say anything.”
“Who cares?”
She uncrosses her arms to shrug dramatically.
“Who cares, honestly?”
“...Me?”
“Haha! No you don’t!”
Shaking her head again, Lois walks past me, but stops just a few steps away.
“You?”
“Yes?”
I don’t know what to say to this. I have no idea what made her think I might not care.
About her? What a joke.
“…Was Ciel really your friend?”
“Huh?”
“Are you grieving a friend?”
…
She turns to look at me with a serious expression.
“Did you experience feelings of friendship towards Ciel?”
“Yes.”
What doesn’t she understand?
About my feelings – I seriously don’t have the words. I looked to Ciel as a source of comfort and normalcy. He talked to me about his life, his feelings, and now…
He’s supposed to be gone?
And for what? And how?!
Lois closes her eyes… and slowly shakes her head. I feel her on the brink of tears.
Why?
Why should you cry?
I don’t want tragedy. I just want to talk to you.
“Why?”
She echoes my question back at me. It’s weird.
“How? What made you think of him as a friend?”
…
“Are you having an existential crisis…?”
“Please answer my questions.”
“…Sure.”
I feel compelled to do anything you ask.
“Even when I thought I was useless, he wanted to spend time with me. He trusted me.”
…I try to sigh, too, but I fail. I can feel my chest collapsing on itself.
I can’t accept his death.
“He was attentive and patient. That’s why I liked him, too.”
“...He was young, too.”
“…Sorry, what?”
“Nothing…”
“N-No, seriously, why did you say that?”
“…I’m just not surprised that if you were to befriend someone, it would be someone younger.”
“Why?”
“I’m saying you’re immature.”
“Oh.”
…
“Well… just say that, then! You can’t call something like that out and not explain why!”
“Sorry, jeez.”
Ghrk…!
“I don’t think you’re a creep or anything. Not that type, at least.”
“Catch me a break…”
She looks sad again. Her face falls, and I can imagine her wanting to fall with it, down a hole in the floor to disappear.
I couldn’t bear to see that again.
Especially not with her.
“Lois...”
“What do you want?”
“Jan asked me to tell you he really wants you to eat lunch with everyone else.”
“Jan?”
She lifts her chin, though she doesn’t look at me.
“Ah, I really like Jan…”
Argh! Ghrk!
“…Young.”
“What?”
“Jan’s young. Maybe you’re immature or something.”
“Hah! And that reaction is what, exactly?”
…………
“You’re the worst…”
Sadly for me, she doesn’t sound like she’s just kidding.
“Of course I’ll eat with everyone. My delivery service drugged me.”
“And I... I used that foam to look the secret passage so you could comfortably join us.”
“Not without a cost.”
“…Stop…”
“Well, you knew I was gonna come anyway. What do you really want from me?”
To hear you ask so many questions.
“I just wanted to see you.”
“Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff…”
That was a big sigh.
“Do you even… Do you even know… Pff…”
“T-Tell me.”
She laughs bitterly.
“I can’t. And I don’t want to.”
I want to… I want more of you.
Damn it. Damn me.
“Well, now that you’re here, let’s look through the deceased’s rooms together.”
“Huh? Sorry? What?”
“That’s so sudden…!”
“You didn’t have any qualms looking through Benjamin’s diary, so it shouldn’t be an issue for you, right? Mina did it all the time.”
“I… Yes…”
…I’d say “sorry about that”, but Benjamin deserved it.
(Is that really the extent of my anger?)
“We already went to Mina’s room. I’d recall.”
“Something happened to you…”
“I don’t want to hear it from you. So that leaves Oscar’s and Ciel’s rooms.”
“We’re gonna look through Ciel’s room? But it’s going to be like… It would mean… I can’t accept…”
“That he’s dead?”
“Please…”
“Do you feel guilty?”
…Guilty?
Me?
“W-Why would you say that?”
“I feel guilty. About Mina, and by extension…”
Her face falls again.
She pretends to be proud…
“Well, you don’t have to follow me.”
She makes her way to Ciel’s room, knowing that I’ll follow her.
The door is open…
Because he’s no longer with us.

I follow her into the Ultimate Clown’s bedroom to no laughter that lingers on a little too long.
We already inspected a detective’s room with no one to help.
I already read the diary of someone who should have known to hide it in advance.
I should know.
“Hmm... Smells like laundry.”
Burned. Oscar burned it…
The clothing his grandma made for him.
“Neooo... Earth to Neo.”
“I’m here…”
“Good to hear. Since you were Ciel’s friend, do you think there’s anything in particular we should be looking for?”
“N… No. Nothing in particular.”
“I see.”
Ciel’s room is tidy. It smells strongly of laundry detergent.
“We all have our neurosis.”
On his bedside… it seems that Lois and I both lay eyes on the long notes resting on his nightstand at the same time.
“Ah, that definitely seems like his handwriting.”
“Seems…?”
Grabbing one of them, I can tell it’s his handwriting. He left me a note before.
But this… this is a letter.



The paper is stained with tears.



This is… This is…
Before I can reach any conclusion, I hear a loud sob from next to me.
“A-Are you okay?”
Lois struggles to contain her tears, hiding her face behind her hands.
“This is horrible…”
“Y-Y-Yes…”
It… It is. Tragic. I hate that I’m associating this word to my friend, someone I could talk to, someone… whose presence I can still feel.
But seeing her react like that… I… I get flustered.
“I don’t want this anymore… I want it to stop…”
“L-Let’s not read the next one, then.”
“That’s not what I meant, you fucking idiot!”
Ouch…
She shakes her hands erratically next to her face, clenching her fists in frustration, before grabbing the next letter from the nightstand and starting to read, almost as if she’s trying to… show me.



…
Another sob.
“This is horrible.”
She doesn’t know what else to say, and I understand.
Ciel mentioned his girlfriend, but he didn’t talk about her much… if at all. Was is that he wasn’t thinking about her?
I’m thinking that his thoughts about her just weren’t funny.
And the girl I like sniffles… but I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing that could comfort her… I’m pretty sure of that.
“Writing a goodbye letter to someone you love... Being a teenager who thinks they’re going to die…”
She’s trying very hard to contain her tears, and I think she’s doing a good job.
“If only you knew how it feels…”
“Why do you say that?”
My voice came out unusually soft.
“No matter how much you accept your own death, you never truly do.”
“Lois…”
“Ciel had no reason to die, but he was forced into this parade, and put in mortal danger. For no reason.”
Her tears have started to dry up, leaving place to an air of dry resentment.
“We don’t… We don’t even know why we were put here.”
“...”
She looks away and doesn’t reply immediately.
Even with a puffy face and reddened eyes, she looks beautiful.
…My brain sends me an image of Ciel looking at his girlfriend reading his letter and thinking that, and it’s so terrible it makes me feel violent.
“He’s right. It’s not funny.”
“Hm?”
“We’re made to endure this farce. And it’s painfully unfunny. The mastermind can be proud of their inadequacy.”
The mastermind… I've heard that word mentioned before, I've thought about that goal before, although maybe not in the same way.
“Is there such a thing as a mastermind?”
“Someone who was ready to sacrifice Ciel…”
“Jan was also looking for the “mastermind”.”
“Is the mastermind a true Danganronpa fan?”
“S-Sorry?”
“…I know, right? So ridiculous.”
She puts the letter down and turns her back to both it and myself.
It looks like there were only these two. There are other pieces of paper, so I wonder if he was planning to write more…
Just how many people does one have to say goodbye to?
I don’t even know.
I don’t even remember my parents, let alone a grandparent or a girlfriend.
“What do you think would happen if we killed the mastermind?”
“…S-So, assuming one of us is secretly behind this, what if they got themselves killed?”
“Yes. Let’s say, what if we walked into Oscar’s room and found proof that he was actually the one who put us all here…”
“Then… Then he might have had something, somewhere, that let him in contact with the outside word… Or… Even the key that brought us in.”
“Hmm… Interesting. What good news that would be…”
She sighs again…
At least she’s stopped crying.
Come on, Ciel, making a girl cry…?
…No, that’s dumb. I know it.
It’s not like I took lessons.
“Well, tell me. Do you see anything else of note here?”
Without thinking, I turn my head back and forth to look around.
No clothes strewn around, no particular items… whenever Ciel stayed alone in his room, he probably felt bored on top of everything else.
“No?”
“No… I don’t see anything.”
Now that I think about it… what would it look like, searching through my room…?
“Let’s move on, then.”
“O-Okay.”
Can I really believe that Lois and I will get out of this together?
“I’m not gonna be late for lunch because of that depressing shit...”
I hadn’t really formulated that thought before, but now that it crosses my mind…
…Yes… It gives me something to believe in.

Leaving Ciel’s room to walk into Oscar’s, neither of us find anything to say.
The scenario Lois made up would be very convenient… But chances are he was just an asshole.
Unfortunately.
Oscar’s room is tidy, although a little busy. Weights of different sizes are piled up neatly, and I can’t imagine moving those around.
(Frankly, now I feel happier with being the way that I am.)
Conveniently, a pile of three notebooks is awaiting us in the middle of his bed. Ahead of me, Lois grabs the one at the top, but a piece of paper falls out of it before she can open it.
“Oh?”
She puts the notebook down to take the paper, and while she unfolds it, I place myself behind her to read it.



…
“I wonder…”
…Speechless, that’s the word.
“I wonder how much he thinks the normal person thinks about the mafia.”
“Not... a lot.”
That I’m aware.
“But that was what his life was. He probably spent his time here thinking of what lies he could come up with if someone recognised his last name.”
“That’s… insane.”
“That’s what I’m thinking. That explains a lot.”
Saying that, she puts the note aside to grab the first diary again. She opens it, revealing…
List upon list.
“List of rations”
“List of weapons in the weaponry room”
“List of dangerous objects in general rooms”
“List of individuals”
“List of suspicious individuals”

“Hey, I’m on this one.”
“What? Seriously?”



“That’s sexist.”
“Sexist…?”
Her name being on the list? I’m mostly shocked… Seeing Mina on it…
“Did he realise she was a child?!”
“A child? She’s barely two years younger than you.”
“I mean…!”
I shake my head. I can’t be too frustrated… Mina would have wanted her to point that out.
“She was just a young girl who wanted to be helpful to everyone… Did you see how she cried when Oscar hurt her? Did you see Ciel comfort her – teenager to teenager? And he lists her as a “suspicious individual”?! Speak for yourself, man!”
“...Some things do shock you, at least.”
“Don’t… Don’t you agree?”
“Of course I do. Oscar is a piece of shit.”
Phew… That’s so relieving to hear.
For some reason, she decides to speak into the notebook.
“Huh? Hear that, idiot?!”
“…Are you okay?”
“No. Anyway.”
She turns the pages of the notebook again.
“See anything useful in there? Maybe the lists of weapons will prove useful eventually.”
“M-Maybe…? I don’t know…”
“Okay, next.”
She throws it away – it goes spinning and lands on a pillow – to grab the second one.
Is she acting weird, or…?
Maybe there’s just no way to stay normal in this situation.
“Oscar’s personal diary.”
“Oh, great.”
“Sarcasm. That’s a new one.”



“That’s… wow. This is what Oscar was thinking.”
“He hid who he was, so all he had to express his feelings was a diary.”
“Well, that’s deep. Want to call me out next?”
“N-No...!”
I guess… Oscar just had bad reasons to do it.
The next page says…



“Uh, that’s...”
“Italian.”
Oh. I was gonna say “gibberish”.
“Let’s see… Pagina 3… Pagina 4… Page 5.”
So he used both languages interchangeably? For what reason?



“A ploy by the institution to get rid of certain Ultimates...”
Lois lets out a chuckle rather than a sob, this time around, but something about its tone gives away that it’s filled with despair.
“I hate him. Mina trusted him.”
She chuckles again.
The same way.
“And in order to protect Mina, Ciel put himself in the way of this guy…”
She shakes her head.
Ciel…
Ciel really had nothing to do with this, huh?
“Who would need to get rid of an Ultimate Clown? Surely Oscar saw a hole in his own thinking.”
“Ciel was heroic... Maybe Oscar should have listed him as a potentially dangerous individual, or whatever.”
“Putting yourself in harm’s way to protect someone else... Some of us are foolish, and there’s no helping it.”
…
“Lois?”
“Yes?”
“Is it okay if I wish Ciel hadn’t looked for Mina?”
“Hm?”
“She was already dead anyway. If he hadn’t gone after her, he would still be with us.”
“Oh, Neo… Why do you ask me that?”
She sighs. Like mine earlier, her voice came out unusually soft this time.
“Yes, it’s okay for you to wish that.”

…
… …
… … …
Why should Lois know?
It sounds harsh when I think it, but it’s really my own self I’m judging. I have no confidence in myself. I rely on other people to know better than me. Have I ever taken a single decision that wasn’t “running away?”
If I did, I don’t remember. And that’s what worries me… My “memories” and my “sense of self” make no sense. I was able to trick myself into believing that I was a regular person with a regular experience at first, but the more time passed, the more I noticed that there were holes. I had a sense of “self” that now, looking back, confuses me completely. I had an opinion of myself… I had an idea of myself… But I didn’t even know me.
Why did I lose my memories anyway? Did something happen? I popped into existence here and I simply accepted it. On top of that, I sucked at it. I felt an intense depression… Looking back, maybe that makes sense. How could I not be confused…?
Even now… I exist, but I have to wonder, does this even matter…?
“Hey, look.”
…I was lost in thought. There’s something seriously wrong with me. How was I able to function up until now? I turn around at the sound of Lois’ voice, and…
…She’s wearing one of Oscar’s jackets, or rather, drowning inside of it.
“This is huge, isn’t it?”
“Y-Yes…”
I guess that’s all she has to say about it. She stands there, the large black jacket slowly sliding down her arms, never having stood a single chance to stay on her shoulders…
All of a sudden, I burst out laughing.
“What’s up with her?!”
“Pfft—haha—that’s so absurd!”
She pouts and crosses her arms to grab the garment before it can fall completely off her.
“Why… Why did you do that?”
I think I’m going to… I think I’m going to cry…!
“I don’t know… Hmpf!”
She takes it off swiftly and throws it back into the wardrobe where she stole it.
It’s really not that funny… But for some reason, I just can’t stop chuckling…!
“You usually never laugh at stuff like that, so I’ve been letting myself go, I think.”
“R…R…Really…?”
I try to calm myself down. It’s the nerves… It must be the nerves.
“Seriously! What am I supposed to be if I can’t be the comedic relief?”
“You’re… definitely not that at all.”
Pfwaahhh… It’s getting better. I can breathe normally. Somehow, I feel a lot lighter than I did before I started snickering… I don’t remember ever feeling like that before.
“Well, you surprised me.”
“S… I’m sorry.”
I exhale… Pfffuuh.
“It’s fine… You…”
Her gaze gets lost slightly to the side and her expression darkens somewhat. I’m not happy about that… It’s not like I’m laughing out of joy or something like that… She makes my heart beat fast, and I think I’m not used to feeling like that.
“Well, anyway, I’m out of inspiration.”
“For?”
“This search. I think I’ve looked at everything, but at the end of the day, he thought of himself as a normal guy and that’s all we have.”
“A normal guy…”
I sigh… Aaah, it’s true. I’m reminded of the dark situation we’re in.
I guess she must have continued her investigation of the room while I just stood there, lost in thought.
“Besides, my tummy hurts.”
“Your…? Are you okay?!”
She’s had intense pain like that before, hasn’t she? I wonder if…
“Hmm.”
She looks up at me with a gaze filled with determination.
“I want to eat.”
“Ah. I see.”

I think it’s about lunchtime, but I’d feel awkward taking my tablet out to look at the time at the last moment, when we’ve walked most of the way to the dining room.
I keep wanting to have a conversation with Lois, but I just don’t know what to talk about. It’s not like I can work up an interesting anecdote about myself… All I know is that I’ve worked, in concept. Sometimes, a specific scene will come to mind, but it’s completely disconnected from anything else. I’ll visualise myself in a recording booth, but I don’t know what I’m recording, or “meeting with a fan”, but I can’t place the fan as a real individual person.
What am I supposed to do…? Talk to her about here? It’s not like… It’s not like…
Ah! I just remembered…!
“B-By the way, Lois!”
“Hm?”
“You know, those videos…? Like… The one we watched about Andi.”
“…Yes?”
“We found them... The CDs. With Akiro and Jan.”
“What? Seriously?”
I can’t tell if she’s just surprised or if she’s also angry.
“Y-Yes. Upstairs. But… uhm, Akiro put them in a safe place for the time being. You should ask him for yours.”
She stops dead in her tracks. We’re in the hall… almost there.
“…Akiro has mine?”
“Yes? I mean, he’s not carrying it with him.”
She frowns. I have no idea what’s going through her mind.
“I’ll ask him to give it to me. What about yours?”
“Oh, uh... I brought it to my room before I came to see you.”
“Are you able to watch it?”
“We... We think so, probably.”
Once again, her gaze gets lost to the side. It only lasts an instant, though, before she says:
“…I see.”
…And resumes walking.
Maybe I should be taking this more seriously… Now that I think about it, Lois is a secretive person, isn’t she? Her talent…
…Ah, I should catch up to her.
I take a few fast steps to enter the dining room right behind her. Inside, we find Akiro and Jan both standing behind the table – and across it, not too far from the door…
The atrocious Kumakuma.
“Uh oh.”
“Uh oh?!”
“Lois! I’m so glad you came~”
“Hehe...”
“Hehe?!”
“Uhm… W-Well… It’s not like Ku-ku-kuma… Kuma… Ku—whatever, is doing anything in particular, s-so I guess you can come in…”
“What is happening with it…?”
“I don’t know exactly when it came in, but ever since we noticed it, it’s been standing still and staring at us in silence…”
“So you bravely hid behind the table.”
“Exactly.”
“I understand.”
…She says with a wide smile. I love Akiro and Jan too, but there’s no way I’m this biased towards them! They could do anything, and she…!
“This is getting boring, however.”
“Eurgh… Not this…”
“Aah!”
“Nooooooo…”
“What? You were waiting for me to speak up, weren’t you? It’s like nothing I do is ever right…”
That seems correct…
“Oh well, that’ll keep my mind entertained. Don’t you want to know why I’m here?”
“We’d love for you to get it over with.”
Using Mina’s voice… I… I’m not brave enough to say anything.
I feel a little relieved.
“Of course. I’m getting used to it.”
The white bear walks up to the table and produces what looks like a square-shaped book out of… apparently nowhere…? To slap it onto its surface.
And Akiro apparently put his arm in front of Jan, as if to protect him.
“This is a photo album.”
“Why…?”
“Earlier, Neo and Jan investigated the new areas.”
“Uuuuhm…”
“And?”
“This is their prize for playing the game properly.”
“Eugh… I regret it now.”
“You shouldn’t. It’s a matter of safety, isn’t it? The game would be boring if you didn’t even try.”
“Ina…Inaction as a form of rebellion… I’ve tried that before.”
“Alright, I’m convinced. I no longer regret it.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“In any case, it’s not that important. Just a simple prize.”
“If we promise to look at it, will you be satisfied and go away…?”
“Yes.”
“I promise we’ll look at it.”
“And I’m compelled to believe you! As such, I leave the room.”
(It hops out of the room.)
“I… I was a little scared that it wouldn’t like that I said that…”
“I guess we have to look…?”
“I must assume you’re curious.”
Her voice warmer than usual, it’s no surprise to me, when I raise my head, that Lois is smiling tenderly as she looks at the shy writer.
…What can I do but sigh?
“D-Duh…”
“Alright. First!”
Jan dives towards the table to grab the book.
“We… We weren’t gonna fight you for it…”
“How do I know that?~”
What a sweetheart… Our attention undeniably grabbed, Lois and I walk around the table and huddle around the album in Jan’s hands.
Even his hands are pretty. I wonder if that’s a characteristic to be expected of an Ultimate Pianist…
He opens it to a first page that says, in fancy lettering:

MEMORIES

“O-Oh! Maybe it’s clues about our situation!”
“…You think?”
“Y-Yeah, I could see something like… “as a reward, here are memories from the mastermind” and it might be vague, but still give us a glimpse into… you know…”
“That would be good storytelling.”
“Y-Y-Yes…”
“From what I know of these bears, though, it’s highly likely they’re just trolling us.”
“Ah… Yes.”
“I don’t think it’s all meaningless, though.”
On those words, Jan turns the page.
It reveals a photo…
The scenery is dark. In the forefront, a dark liquid catches my eye over an already dark, wet asphalt – but the subject of the picture is a little girl with braided hair. Her white face stands out from the darkness, and she’s looking at the photographer with tears in her eyes… and an expression full of reproach.
As though taken by a spasm, Jan almost drops the book, but he grabs it immediately and solidifies his grip on its pages.
“This is Mina… But she’s clearly very young…”
“It’s hard to tell... We don’t know at what rate she was growing.”
“Either way… It’s obvious this isn’t a recent photo, isn’t it?”
“Yeah… W… What other photos are there?”
Akiro gestures towards the page, prompting the pianist to turn it, revealing another, completely different photo.
This one was taken during the day. I would have never expected to see him… to see Noah like that.
The scene looks like a training ground. Behind him, all I can see is arms and legs in movement, punching and kicking. Clearly in the forefront, with very short hair and a focused expression, Noah is hitting a punching bag. Despite the three-quarters angle, his face is perfectly visible – all healthy, soft, and worryingly childish.
“Whenever I think about him, I can’t help but feel sad.”
“Really…?”
“I can’t divorce him from the beginning of this game. And I can’t help but feel like he was trapped into doing what he did.”
“When I look at this photo, I wonder what led him to kill his dad.”
“That’s…”
“But personally, all I feel is angry. Emily wasn’t the same.”
Emily… How could we not ask ourselves so many questions?
“But the reason we lived to be angry about it is, technically, that he did it.”
“So there’s no reason to hesitate about it.”
“To hesitate… about being angry?”
“Hm-hm. I think it’s good for us to feel this way.”
“That’s... tough.”
Jan sighs.
“Let’s move on… I’m starting to get an idea what we’re looking at.”
He turns the page again – I get what he means. An image of Mina, then one of Noah… We’re being taunted with images of the deceased again, aren’t we…?
“Wuh—”
“Wow!”
…Except not, because if not the universe, I know that at least the two bears are always mocking me.
The next photo is a selfie, and it’s of Jan and another, shorter white boy with black hair and brown eyes.
“That’s... not that old…”
“You remember taking that photo?”
“Y-Yes… When I was sent to my music school… I was so worried… I was so worried that…”
Jan is visibly flustered. The selfie, clearly taken by him, shows two happy boys wearing black collared shirts and a white over-the-shoulder bag each.
“S-Sorry. It’s just… Damien has been my best friend since middle school. I was so anxious about being separated from all my friends… that I refused to even think, let alone talk about it, so I didn’t even know Damien was going to the same school… When we saw each other, we were both so relieved we forgot to feel stupid about it.”
“So… This photo is important to you.”
Childhood friends… I can’t imagine how surprised Jan must be, finding this here.
I literally can’t.
“Yes... At the time, I posted it on my socials, and a bunch of friends from our middle school commented on it. It was so relieving… I realised that these people hadn’t completely disappeared from my life.”
He sighs.
“Then, this is Damien?”
“Hm-hm. I’m… sorry about that confused ramble. I genuinely didn’t expect this.”
“Don’t worry, I understand.”
Jan has mentioned his friends before. At least, I know he talked about his friend whose Ultimate is “hugging”. Damien is a short guy with a round face, which makes him look very friendly, just from a photo. I guess he’s a musician as well.
“Damien has always been there… Damn it. I’m going to come back for him.”
The Ultimate Pianist brings the album slightly closer to himself, pinching his lips.
“I’ll bring you with me.”
Relaxing his expression into a smile, he turns his head to a very fidgety Akiro.
“And Alice, too. I’ll introduce Alice to all my friends.”
“You’ll introduce her? Like she’s your girlfriend, now?”
“Alice?”
He looks at Lois with eyes open wide, giving him an exaggeratedly innocent look, before taking on shaking his head from side to side with a knowing smile.
“Ah, Alice? She would be a good a companion… And she’s so pretty…”
“Alright, next page ”
“…For fuck’s sake.”
“Rude!”
Despite having stayed silent even when Jan mentioned him, Akiro suddenly leaned towards the book and forcefully turned the page to reveal the next photo – which is of Alice.
It’s true, then. These are memories of everyone here. If I showed this photo to Alice, she would probably recognise it, like Jan did his. It pictures her in nature, waving at the photographer. The huge backpack she’s carrying looks like it could crush her under its weight, but she doesn’t seem bothered by it…
“I wish she would talk to us…”
“I, I know...”
“I was wondering where she was.”
“Hmm… I guess it’s no use just staring at her picture…”
Jan turns the page again. Each photo is going to be of a different person from… Of a different one of our friends.
The next one…
Maybe I should just stop thinking anything.
It’s slightly blurry, but the subject is extremely clear. The surroundings are dark, but the people are very bright. Dancing among a group of partiers, in the middle, stands a tall person with long dark hair and short, skin tight clothes.
“I want to diiiiieeee...”
“It’s not a bad picture...”
“C’mon, you of all people should take my side…!”
“It’s pretty cool.”
“The… The clothes he’s wearing l-look very different from that st-stupid outfit he had.”
“It’s almost… jarring.”
It looks stupid… How can they not see that?!
The pose is pretty in and of itself, and Benjamin stands out, and his clothes are fashionable, but… Cringe! This is cringe!!!
“L-Let’s move b-before Neo has a heart attack.”
“Ah...? Well, I understand… This is uncomfortable.”
Jan does as he’s asked, but… Pff… I can’t shake off that cringey feeling…
Benjamin… He was frankly the worst.
The next picture is another surprising one, though I oddly don’t feel this negative towards it.
It’s of a little white girl with long, straight brown hair, wearing a black suit. She’s surrounded by other people wearing all black, and I can’t quite identify what the scene is, but she’s holding the hand of a woman who’s crying rather intensely. The girl, though, doesn’t exhibit any emotion.
“Who is tha—C-Could it be… Emily…?”
“Emily...? No, no way, this doesn’t look like her.”
Who’s that little girl…? We’d recognise her if she’d been Andi. Looking at her again, I definitely agree she’s missing that cutesy round face that would clearly belong to Emily.
“Th-Then… Could it may-maybe be… C—”
“No! This is Keith!”
“What?”
All three of us huddle closer to the picture to inspect the girl’s face… the…
That’s totally Keith!
“Why is he… Why is he at a funeral?”
“That’s a funeral?!”
“It clearly is.”
“He doesn’t… He doesn’t even look sad.”
“We probably shouldn’t pry…”
He looks so young in this picture. Could the woman holding his hand be his mom?
Keith told me about having to look after his mom…
…
…I guess Jan’s right.
He turns the page to another picture. This one is of a more recognisable person… Though she’s not alone. This is clearly Chris, walking next to a couple holding hands. All three seem to be having a friendly conversation, and Chris’ hands are slightly blurry from being in movement. She’s wearing a flowery dress… It’s pretty nice to look at – with an outfit like this one, her strong musculature accentuates her femininity.
“Cool.”
It’s not like there’s much to comment about it, so Jan turns to another page.
“Ooooh.”
“Aah! It’s you!”
This is…
An extremely dorky picture.
“I was what…? 12?”
A younger Lois is posing in front of a collection of manga and giving a camera that she clearly set up herself a thumbs up with an awkward smile. Her hair is slightly longer, but other than that, she looks a lot like herself. I’d have given her slightly more than 12 years old.
“Ah y-yes. “Help! Now I’M the princess?!” A surprisingly touching story about finding yourself.”
“You’ll notice that I completed the limited “GOLD!” edition collection.”
“Oooh, wow. With its p-popularity, that would have been pretty tough at the, at the time.”
“Otaku…”
“I-If you know to call us otaku, you’re probably an otaku yourself!”
“Not so… I watched some anime with a friend when I was younger, but after that friend went away, I eventually gave up on that…”
“Pff…”
“Is that how you knew about Danganronpa?”
“She’s still interested in that, isn’t she…”
“Aah… Sorta. For some time after said friend… went away, I did try really hard to keep up with his interests, because I was expecting him to come back.”
…Did someone ghost Jan of all people? I can’t believe that.
“So he was a fan?”
“Not of Danganronpa, no. It’s just something I found out about while I was looking.”
“Y…You clearly looked way too far, if you ended up learning about something so old and forgotten about.”
“Hah... I mean m-maybe, but you shouldn’t give me that!”
“That’s on… I… I guess that’s on your friend for not giving you any direction.”
“Yeah. Exactly.”
Jan looks away, but he’s clearly smiling…
What’s this about anymore…?
“Let’s uh… Look at the next one…?”
I say that, but I don’t mind looking at Lois’ photo. It’s fun, and… makes me appreciate the woman who’s standing next to me even more.
The pianist obliges, though, and the next one has yet again a completely different vibe.
That’s Chloe. She’s standing perfectly still, every muscle in her body clenched, in front of a gigantic metallic gate. She’s wearing what can only be described as fancy clothes and her sort-of neutral expression looks closer to a grimace.
“You know what... This feels like looking through a family album.”
“How little do you know your family…?”
“Woah! The call-out!”
“S-Sorry.”
I have no ground to stand on…
Akiro chuckles dejectedly.
“Just move on.”
“Yessir.”
Next page again…
And I feel my heart make its way up my throat.
A young, happy clown handing balloons to a group of children… The scenery is so bright and colourful…
I… don’t want to look.
“...It might be preferable to move to the next one.”
“I understand.”
…
Like this is better. I clench my teeth. When Jan turns the page, I can immediately see Andi, playing guitar on a stage.
The photo is taken from some distance, though, showing the huge cheerful audience watching her.
“Immortalised, huh.”
“Jan...”
Without further comment, he turns the page again.
I’m almost relieved to see Isabella. She’s in the middle of a group of girls inside of a small but brightly lit room with white walls. They’re all wearing black t-shirts and posing for the photo… All with impeccable make-up.
“Co-workers? Co-students, maybe?”
The expression, the posing… are those of the Isabella we first met, undeniably. Despite her imposing appearance, everything about her screams “polite”.
The other girls are huddled around her. From looking at them, there’s no doubt… they trust her.
“I guess so…”
“We’re being pretty nosy, aren’t we…?”
…That’s true. He turns the page.
Seeing this person, though, I wish he hadn’t. It’s weird, though…
I recognise him because we were shown some videos taken from his life, somehow. As a teenager, Oscar was already very muscular – a lot more than Jan, who’s already on the more athletic side – but nowhere near the level he was at 21. In this photo… he’s trying to look away from the camera, red in the face, with tears in his eyes. Next to him, an old woman looks like she’s telling the photographer off.
“That’s… actually… making me a bit uncomfortable.”
“Hm-hm. I’m not sure I want to know… And either way, we’ll never know.”
Without comment, Jan turns to the next photo…
Which is…
Which is…
“That’s me! That’s me!”
Sh…! I shouldn’t get so excited… But…!
“Oh...”
I’m… younger… and I’m posing in front of a movie poster with my name on it in big letters. It’s actually… uncannily…
“N-No way, it’s the exact same awkward pose as the one with Lois in it…”
“The strained smile, too… Were you referencing something?”
“Uuuuh…”
“No comment.”
“That’s funny… Your preteen selves had that in common.”
That’s… incredible…
An awkward photo of me when I was younger… I can’t believe that exists! There it is! That’s me…!
I feel somehow more… tangible. It’s like… I might even be allowed to have a sense of self.
…An awkward looking self, but I kind of… I can’t be mad about it.
My haircut wasn’t too disssimilar from my current one, but my hair was natural and a lot curlier. My clothes are a bit boring, though. I wish I could reach through the photo and ask… me… about myself.
“I take it you don’t remember taking that photo?”
“Ah… uuuh… no.”
I laugh awkwardly. (I guess that’s like me…) I must have been staring an abnormal amount.
I wouldn’t even know who took it.
“Meanwhile Lois remembers hers in detail…”
“You mock me…”
“No way~”
“L-Like finishing a manga collection was more important to you than b-being in a movie was to Neo…”
“C-C’mon!”
Not that I… would know.
“Shall we move on?”
Jan grabs the next page yet again.
“Oh… It looks like there’s only one left.”
Really…? That’s weird…
Regardless, my attention is immediately turned to the subject of the last photo. It’s her… This time around, it’s really her.
Emily Drake, Ultimate Fashionista… The photo shows a bunch of other cameras. It looks like a behind-the-scenes of a photoshoot. Emily is wearing a cute pink outfit and holding a precarious-looking pose.
“Hmm...”
“Here she is finally… Our Emily.”
Ours, she says.
We’ve heard or read her name so many times, now. Emily was just an innocent girl who was assassinated. We met her not too long ago, and she was this odd, loud personality… But because of what was done to her, her name has become ominous to us.
I don’t like this.
I wish she could just be participating in other photoshoots… Far from us… Far from here.
“I guess that’s it.”
Finally, by turning the next page, Jan closes the album.
Is that really it…?
“Interesting.”
“Hmm…”
What a weird “prize” this was… I can’t forget that Oscar insisted he never really recorded that video, but Jan and Lois remembered their photos. I might not remember mine, but…
Hey, wait.
“What about Akiro?”
Everybody tenses up, for some reason.
“Ah…”
“That’s true… Everyone… Everyone else had their photo in here, didn’t they?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. It’s just Akiro missing, isn’t it?”
“W… Well that’s… Maybe that’s… Uhm… I don’t… I mean, it’s okay…”
Jan opens the album again and quickly works his way through it.
“Hm… Hm…”
“So no photo of him…? I wonder w—”
“Ah! Look!”
Jan suddenly bends down to grab something off the floor.
“Of course your photo, out of all of them, would be the one to fall down…”
“Wuh—”
“Here it is. That one’s a photo of Akiro.”
Jan slides his hand in-between all of us.
Oh yeah… Looks like Akiro’s photo is there.
“It’s a pretty one too... So many of us had awkward photos, but Akiro has this beautifully lit photography of him sitting in the middle of a bench in a park.”
That’s true… It’s a little unfair.
“Hmm… Hmm…”
Akiro – the real one – looks uncomfortable, but that’s par for the course.
“Back in with everyone you go...”
He slides the photo back inside the album before setting it up on the table.
“...Whatever that means. Speaking of, where is everyone?”
“Hm?”
“What time is it?”
He takes his tablet out of his pocket.
“Ah, it should be about time we get together to eat, right?”
“Well, yeah…”
Jan pouts. How long did we spend looking at these pictures? It’s true that someone else could have walked in by now.
“What will you do if no one shows up?”
“What…? Well… Well…”
His pout intensifies.
“It’s not like lunch is ready yet, though, right…?”
“Of course it is. Practically.”
“Hm-hm… We’re just… We’re gonna reheat the main cou-course while everyone eats the entrée.”
“The main course… and entrée…”
…Forget how long we spent looking at pictures… Surely I wasn’t away from Jan for long enough that he had time to cook both an entrée and a main course for all of us…!
“Then dessert.”
(Charming smile.)
“You’re definitely flexing.”
“No... What I made today is really simple. The French makes it sound more special for no reason.”
“Akiro’s the one who talked about an entrée...”
Ah, I finally hear someone timidly make their way in. That someone is Keith.
Seeing me turn my head, everyone else does the same in turn.
“…Did I miss lunchtime? Is that it?”
“Noooo-o! Everyone else is late!”
“Seriously? What’s wrong with them?”
“You’re already late.”
Keith… I could see him being so focused on his studies he forgot to show up on time, but I wonder what everyone else is doing.
Still… I can’t help but stare at him.
Why did he have to cut his hair so badly?

“I was so focused, I didn’t see the time… But honestly, this is pretty much when we usually get together.”
“I’ll accept it, but only because I saw you earlier.”
Jan smiles, and he tries to play it cool, but I’m almost certain he was actually bothered by the fact that no one had showed up yet.
“Keith studying? What does that look like?”
“It looks normal. When I’m not being tortured, I’m a regular student.”
“You’re an Ultimate. It could very well be the case that you get good grades while being an unserious little bitch about it.”
Keith resumes walking inside the room and leans against a wall, closing his eyes.
“Fine. I’m the one responsible for that misconception.”
“…Incredible. You’ve gotten your shit together to the point of no longer being an easy bullying target.”
“Heh. Good.”
Keith’s smile is weird—In any case… is someone about to run in…?
…I ask myself, and yet still jump when a brute rushes in and stops herself against the table.
“The fuck?”
“Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy, lunchtime, amirite?”
“Yay!”
“Are y-Are you starving that much?”
“…Yeah, totally.”
She straightens herself to turn towards Jan.
“The others are coming, it’s just... You know, Isabella.”
“I’m not sure I know what that means.”
“She’s so... Pff… I wanted to be here on time, because we seriously appreciate what you do for us.”
“...You didn’t need to run, but I’m glad to hear it.”
“I th…I think it’s worth running.”
“You say that, but if you got tired of cooking for everyone, I think that’d be the end for us.”
It’s not like we would go starving…
“...Not like we’d go starving, but without that, the only times we meet up would be when shit’s going down.”
(Did I say that out loud?)
“That’s pretty much what you were saying…”
I look at Jan. He and Chris don’t exactly phrase things the same way, but it’s clear that all of us share similar feelings about him giving us the opportunity to spend lunchtime together.
“...Yeah. Should I get to setting the table, then?”
“Uh, yeah! When the girls get here, that should be everyone.”
“Seriously? That’s all?”
Abruptly, his voice turned notably louder.
That’s all? That’s all? What does he mean?
“Uhm… Yeah.”
Jan turns his head and bites his finger.
“Hmm…”
That’s all…? I guess… The four of us were waiting here, then Keith showed up, then Chris. When she says “when the girls get here, that should be everyone”… That way of putting it…
Really makes it feel like there are very few of us left.
“I’ll help, okay?”
Like it’s a massacre.
“Hm-hm… Sorry.”
He lets go of his finger to look at Chris and smile apologetically. She begins her way towards the kitchen, and he follows her – Akiro follows them too. He walks up to Jan and grabs him by the arm, soft and cute as always.
“I don’t want to hear you apologising...”
In they go… Should I help?
It would probably be too crowded if I joined them. Looking for something to do to help, I notice that the photo album is still on the table. I should at least remove it to clear the surface.
“What’s that?”
“A photo album. The bears compiled photos from each of us when we were younger.”
“Seriously? Something like that again?”
The grimace on Keith’s face is one I’ve gotten used to seeing—on all of us, all the time.
It’s become too much, hasn’t it?
“These ones are recognisably real, though.”
“Oh?”
He walks closer.
Not too long ago, he couldn’t have walked anywhere without holding his back like it couldn’t hold itself.
“So there’s a photo of me?”
“…Let him see for himself.”
Lois gestures in my direction. Just that… makes my heart beat fast.
I do as I’m asked—I hand him the album. Hesitantly, he takes it and starts turning the pages. At the same time, Chris comes back, holding a pile of plates.
“Ah…! Do you guys need any more help?”
“Nah, don’t worry.”
While she sets the plates down, Akiro enters with a lot of cutlery in his hands.
That’s still a lot, right? We’re still a group… Aren’t we?
Meanwhile, Keith draws out a chair on the extremity of the table and sets the album down on it. It’s probably better if I don’t ask him about it.
“Akiro.”
“Y-Yes?”
She stops him before he can go back inside the kitchen.
“I don’t think Alice is coming, you know.”
“…O…Okay, I’ll tell Jan.”
“...You okay with that?”
“N-No, but…”
He looks down, tapping his index finger against a chair nervously.
“I’d, I’d offer to go away… temporarily… but…”
He shakes his head.
“Not even, even for a minute… I don’t want to be far away from Jan.”
“Seriously…”
Chris sighs and leads the way back inside.
“I’m not saying to do that. You three need to make up.”
“But Akiro has a clear favourite…”
Lois whispers to herself. She has to know I can hear her perfectly…
Just like I can hear two more people approaching. Since I don’t know myself that well, I don’t know if I’m always this hyper-aware of people coming in and out of rooms, or if my senses are all other the place… just now.

“Hello… Everyone. I’m sorry we’re late.”
“You’re practically on time.”
Chris is back with the glasses.
“It’s really just the two of you, then.”
“Hm… Yes… Alice just doesn’t… want to.”
“…To my great amusement.”
“I really… I really don’t appreciate that, Isabella.”
“Oh?”
“You keep saying rude things about Alice, even though you know very well I don’t agree. I don’t condone that attitude.”
“…Ah. Well, it’s not like that really matters to me.”
The two girls look away from each other. Their tone is odd—as though both of them inherently agree to disagree. I just don’t feel like they’re going to actually fight about it, even though Isabella always acts like she’s trying to pick up a fight.
I think… Chloe has seriously gained a lot of maturity.
“That all?”
Before Chris can go back to the Boys, Jan comes out of the kitchen holding a big salad dish.

As always, our food has been carefully prepared. As usual, we all sit around the table and eat peacefully...
Despite what Chris and Akiro said, though, there’s an empty plate next to Jan.

DAILY LIFE

When we finished eating, both Chris and Keith insisted on helping to wash the dishes, so it was agreed that they would both be in charge.
“Hmm… If I leave a plate out for her, will she eat it? If I just leave the pot in the fridge, will she refuse to eat from it because I made it?”
“If she did something stupid like that, it would be her problem, not yours.”
Jan is sitting with his arms crossed and a sad pout. I hate seeing that… Why does Alice have to be upset…?
“Assumedly Alice is upset by Akiro’s rejection, not something you did.”
“But I still feel like… Pff…”
He shakes his head like a wet dog.
“I don’t mean to bring the mood down. I’ll deal with it.”
“It’s everything but your fault!!!”
“I think... If it didn’t even bother you, that would hurt Alice’s feelings if she knew.”
“Oh...”
“That’s… That’s probably true.”
“You spent some time with Alice, right, Chloe? Did she tell you what was bothering her?”
“Hmm… Not really… She says she’s still all in her feelings about it.”
“It’s fine… That’s fine…”
“I know… I know you know that it’s better to give her some time to think about it.”
“For sure… I’m also all over the place today.”
And if it weren’t for Jan, I think Akiro would be worse.
“With all that happened yesterday, I’d think you’re a psychopath if you weren’t.”
Isabella has sat herself away from us, with her body turned in Chloe’s direction.
“So even you feel bad?”
“Of course I feel bad. I always feel bad. I’ve been feeling bad. This sucks.”
“…Can’t argue against that.”
Lois turns her head to Jan. Her voice changes…It’s so obvious, I think everyone hears it.
“That’s not a preference, that’s brainrot.”
“You’re having a hard time with it because you’re a rather sensitive individual, aren’t you?”
Jan smiles a soft smile.
“Why do you say that?”
“You admitted it yesterday, didn’t you? Even though it was just about noticing a smell before anyone else, you said you were really a sensitive person.”
“This… This is s-so unnecessary…”
“Really? You said something like that?”
Weird… Chloe seems suddenly interested. Exaggeratedly interested.
“…Sure. Usually, I keep it to myself, but in our situation, I’ll probably seem less weird if I admit it.”
That he admits… that he’s sensitive? I wouldn’t even hope to hide that about myself.
I think of Jan as dependable, regardless of being “sensitive”.
“I’m literally sensitive… Everything I feel, I feel it violently. On my own, I would think that’s just how things feel, but I’ve learned that it’s different for most people. The light feels brighter, smells smell stronger… stuff like that.”
“…Oh? Are sounds louder for you too, then?”
“Yes… But it really doesn’t have to do with my talent or anything I can control. Besides, it’s really dependent on a lot of factors… Like if I’m tired or anxious, it’s as though all filters are gone and everything gets extremely loud.”
Hm. This conversation sounds familiar… Yeah, I’ve asked Jan and… Andi… about their hearing before. Even though I can feel overwhelmed with it at times, I know I can control what I do or don't focus on, sound wise. Andi’s talent really did influence her sense of hearing, whereas Jan said he didn’t have something like that.
This context probably led him not to want to talk about it then.
A painful shiver overtakes my body. I wish so strongly that Andi could be here for this conversation… It’s beyond me.
“Seriously? To the point of being painful?”
“Correct, but... You seem really happy about it…”
…True. Chloe’s responses are weird, but at least they’ve made Jan laugh.
“S-Sorry, it’s just… I’m like that too, but I thought I’d never meet someone else who was.”
“Oh?”
“Hm-hm… Well, it was a lot worse when I was little. Now it only really becomes overwhelming when I’m very tired.”
“Then like Jan, you might be able to notice some things the majority of us would miss.”
“Hmm... I’m not entirely sure…”
She looks at Jan, then at the table, then at Jan, then at the table again. She looks unusually excited, and like she wants to say too many things at once.
“It’s that… You know, I’m not good at picking up what is or isn’t normal.”
We’ve noticed.
From the kitchen, I can hear Chris and Keith chatting. I have a feeling they would both have things to say about this conversation…
“But... Right, right. Before anyone told you, you thought that was just how things felt, right?”
“Yeah… It was confusing.”
She nods enthusiastically.
“When I was… When I was a little girl, I constantly felt like everything was going wrong, and my emotions were so big and strong I couldn’t control them. I kept being told I was a difficult child, but I felt… I felt like the world was working against me…”
No one knows what to say, but… I notice that Jan leans on the table and, with his arm, reaches loosely in Chloe’s direction.
“It felt hopeless… But uh, well I was… diagnosed…”
She hesitates, and takes on staring at her legs before she continues.
“It was a little bit reassuring… I seriously took note of that, that there was a reason I was feeling this way… But it didn’t really make adults like me any more. They yelled at me less, but they treated me like I was cursed.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Hm... Sorry for… talking about personal stuff like that, but…”
She looks up towards Jan again with a shy smile.
“Since I was so difficult, I was home-schooled, and… I thought there was no way I could ever run into someone who felt like this…!”
“…I see.”
Jan has such a comforting smile.
“I don’t know anyone like this personally either, so I’m actually a little comforted to learn that you can understand exactly what I’m describing.”
“Aah…!”
She hides her face behind her hands.
“I probably shouldn’t feel so happy… About the fact that you’re this overwhelmed…”
“Haha... It’s okay, though.”
“I wonder if you’re the same as me…”
“... …You’re right that I’m overwhelmed. But when I hear everyone else mention that they’re upset too, I’m reminded not to overcorrect and that it’s normal to feel bad.”
“Ah… You’re right… A lot of the time, I don’t know how to react, so I either don’t react or go about it the completely wrong way…”
“Did your therapist seriously stop at diagnosing you and not help you learn this stuff…?”
I… With the tone she uses, I can’t tell if she’s asking a valid question or being insufferable.
“Who’s looking for a therapist? This one will remind you to always use protection.”
Enter Chris and Keith.
“…People often forget, but this also applies to oral sex and to sex between people with vulvas.”
“…Are you physically unable to keep your mouth shut about it?”
“If you’re having sex with multiple partners, you have to change the condom between each part—”
“Off! Off! Voice command! Off!!!!”
“When practicing anal penetr—”
“Shut your fucking mouth!!!!”
“Maybe you can weaponise Jan’s age against him?”
“Sex ed is extremely important for teenagers.”
Jan lets out a long sigh… He seems a little more relaxed than before, though.
“I’m not very interested.”
“...I see.”
“Please be done… Please be done…”
“Speaking of, are the dishes done? I can help, if you need.”
“All washed and drying, sir.”
“Nothing to worry about, I’m a pro.”
“That way, if the sexology thing doesn’t work out, you’ll be sure to find a job in restaurant kitchens.”
“...I think I’m going to go back to the library.”
“Thank you for your help.”
“We’re the ones who are thankful to you…”
“Oh, we’re leaving now?”
“Yep.”
…
What? Huh?
Lois basically teleported out of the room…!
“Uh… I didn’t say you had to…”
“Hmm… I’m probably gonna play around with all that exercise equipment…”
“Really?!”
Woah! An actual jumpscare, this time—Jan stood up excitedly. What’s the hype?
“Uuh… Yes?”
“What’s your regimen like?”
“You tryin’ to build up more muscle?”
Jan walks around the table to reach Chris.
“In part?”
“…In part?”
“Ah… Nerd attack…”
“Nerd???”
“I’m not a nerd, but I just think building muscle… the exercise that comes with it…  the form of the body… the relationship between equipment and user…”
His speech is picking up in pace.
“…the culture around it, the appearance of it, all those things, are pretty neat!”
“Holy shit… An actual gym nerd…”
“Don’t you like talking about it?”
He makes a puppy face… It’s too adorable… And I’m a little confused, honestly.
“Y-Yeah, I like… to talk about… but I don’t think you’d mentioned it before.”
“Well, the opportunity didn’t present itself… But when I have friends who exercise, I like to learn more… And it’s an opportunity to chat… And we could talk about our favourite machines…”
He’s irresistible…! I want to learn about those machines just to make him happy…!
“Fine, fine, no need for the emotional warfare! We’ll go together!”
“Yaa-ay~”
I notice that Akiro is hiding his face behind his hands.
“Does that mean the cutiepie is coming with us? Are you gonna be able to endure us talking about that boring muscle gain bullshit?”
“The cutiepie” sighs.
“I love him…”
“…Guess that’s a yes, then.”
She shakes her head, rolling her eyes with an amused yet disabused expression, and makes her way to the door.
…Jan, who is visibly stopping himself from going on an enthusiastic rant, checks that Akiro is standing up to follow them before following suit. Akiro jogs to pick up with him… And Isabella stands up in silence to go with them.
Hmm… Why did she go with Chris?
I look across the table…
…
“Huh? Where did Chloe go?”
“Chloe? She left while those two were talking.”
“Oh? Uh…”
I didn’t notice…
“It’s just… That everyone else mentioned it when they were leaving…”
…
As it turns out, it’s just Keith and me left…
…
“Can I come with you?”
“Yeah, sure.”

I walked to the library with Keith.
I think back to a time when I wound up befriending someone who spent a lot of time in the library despite my initial reservations. I grimace…
Mostly, that’s a rude comparison for me to make.
“Does your back no longer hurt at all?”
Keith sits against the table where he laid out his books and his notes. I’d gotten used to seeing him rush for a chair – it seemed obvious – I saw what happened to him.
“Kind of? I’m not really sure.”
“You’re… Not sure whether your back hurts…?”
He sighs.
“It’s that... I guess a little bit, still? But I’m unsure whether it’s really still injured, or if I’m just tense, or if I’m imagining it at this point.”
“…You’re very different, though.”
“I’ll take it that’s a good thing.”
“It made you grumpy, didn’t it?”
It makes sense when I think about it. Though he was visibly in pain, he didn’t complain about it actively all that much. Despite his efforts, though, he was in a shitty mood.
“Heh. Who would have thought that constantly battling against pain would exhaust someone. Pff…”
He grabs his tie and fidgets with it, loosening it.
“Sorry... I’m making you nervous.”
“N-No. Not really.”
He shakes his head.
“Normally, I’d go for a smoke, but... But… Eugh.”
He flinches.
That’s not gonna get magically cured, is it?
“I feel like throwing up...”
“Uuuh… Let’s try to think about something else.”
He continues to tug on the knot of his tie.
For some reason, for all we’ve been through, Keith has continued to dress extremely formal this entire time.
“Why do you keep wearing that tie anyway? It doesn’t look comfortable.”
“...Oh.”
He suddenly lets go of it.
“I ask myself that every morning. “Do I really need to wear this?” But I stare at myself in the mirror for a little too long and I think that if I don’t put it on, I won’t be able to stop thinking about it.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know… Like I’m wearing my school uniform, but just not the tie…? What am I even doing with my life?”
Way too many shortcuts were taken all at once…
“I… I feel like the uniform would make you look stuck up either way.”
“…Owch.”
He clicks his tongue and crosses his arms. Hey, at least that’s a slightly more natural pose.
“You’re just lucky you didn’t get stuck here with your worst outfit. You think Jan likes the black shirt white trousers combo? He can’t sit down without triple checking his chair beforehand.”
If that’s a real thing he does, I’d have assumed it had more to do with his careful personality than a flaw of his uniform’s.
“I can imagine Jan cares about his clothes...”
Although even on that photo, earlier, he wore his uniform… I have truly never seen him wear anything else. He just seems like the kind of person who cares about their presentation.
“...Like how he was always wearing a necklace underneath his uniform, it’s just that we couldn’t see it.”
Keith nods.
“I’ve thought about it.”
…He has?
About what?
“Just a chain necklace over a collared shirt would look dorky on a guy.”
“That’s…?”
I sigh. I don’t know why, though.
“Do you actually care about looks?”
“Just say I look like shit, I can take it.”
He grabs at the knot of his tie again. I’m actually not sure he can take it.
“You’re the one saying that.”
As much as I felt he didn’t deserve it at the time… And I guess he wishes he had behaved better then as well – I don’t have to pretend he wasn’t obnoxiously whiny… Andi was open with him and pointed out his “pretty boy face”.
“It’s really just your choppy haircut. It’s so unserious.”
It’s really… Even though he has delicate looks for a guy – I think a lot of us here have that kind of youthful look, but Keith’s the one who looks the most like a stereotype – something about having his hair look like that screams “loser”. Loudly, at that.
“Unserious? Really?”
He chuckles at first, but when he tugs the bottom of his tie, he swallows his spit with a tense expression.
“You’d actually describe it like this? Unserious looking?”
“...Yes. Sorry.”
He looks a little pale… Eurgh… I feel bad. I thought we could agree… It’s so evident… I… I seriously hate that haircut.
“Ah… That’s… Hmm. I didn’t want that at all.”
He looks away, obviously uncomfortable. I might say he’s overreacting a little bit, but…
“C-C’mon, don’t make me feel bad! You know I’m gonna cry!”
“Hey, you’re the one insulting my hair.”
He says that, but he inhales deeply and relaxes his stance a little bit. It might be that he’s realising how visibly strong his reaction was. I feel a little nauseous just from having seen him look like that.
…I’ll be more careful now.
“You know, when I cut my hair awkwardly, I thought people would think I don’t spend a lot of time taking care of myself or something, but not that they’d think I’m not a serious person.”
“… …It’s really bad, though.”
I immediately failed at being more careful.
“Oh come on! It can’t be that bad! It’s just hair!”
“I, I might be a little judgemental, but how someone cuts their hair makes you assume things about what kind of person they are, doesn’t it?!”
(Am I a judgemental someone?)
“Why is someone with blue hair telling me that?!”
“W-What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“I didn’t have time to go to the hairdresser! I just wanted my hair out of my face!”
“Just give yourself a buzz cut next time then!”
“N-No way, I don’t want my hair to be that short!”
…
“Why are we yelling?”
“…I don’t know. You started it, I think.”
”Did I?”
Keith throws his head back to stare at the ceiling and puffs up his cheeks.
He makes himself look a little immature, but I think that at his age, I’d have my shit together enough not to have such a bad haircut.
“Hair grows back.”
“I know. My hair grows pretty fast, so I didn’t think a bad cut would kill me.”
“Uuh... It’s not going to fix itself just from growing.”
“Yeah it is. I’ve done this before. It’s true that sometimes people complain about my shitty cutting job, but once it’s long enough, you really stop noticing. Unless I made a serious mistake, it becomes mostly about how it naturally grows out.”
Hmm…
I try to picture my hair and how it grows… Thinking about my past stresses me out, so I’m having a hard time with it. I don’t think I’m looking at hair growth the same way he is… Is it because he has straight hair? My dyed part isn’t as curly as my natural hair, but how does it usually grow…? It looked so different on that photo. I feel so weird about it.
“I promise, okay? If I noticed it wasn’t growing out right, then I’d shave it off to fix it. I do care a little bit.”
“Hmm… If you say so… Around what length would you decide to cut it, then? It’s already looking grown out.”
And it doesn’t look like it has evened out or anything.
“What? What are you talking about?”
He tugs on his stupid strands of stupid hair hanging around his neck.
“I cut it not that long ago. When it starts reaching my ass is usually when I start to worry about it.”
…
“...”
“W—What? What now?”
“You’re a long hair guy?”
“A… Uh, sure?”
I actually… I let out a small sob…
“I deeply misunderstood you…”
“S-Someone’s hair doesn’t change that much about who they are…! You’re weird about it!”
“Actually, when I think about it… You probably wear your hair long because you’re a slob, but because of that dainty face of yours, people must look at it positively…”
“I, I wash my hair and all! I really just like it that way—I’m not that… I do care about my looks…!”
“Then why do you cut it?”
Badly?
“W-Well… It’s that…”
Sliding his hands in his pockets, he sighs and tries to calm himself down yet again.
…That’s right, he’s the only one getting heated about this. I’m being perfectly levelled and normal about it.
“I like my looks better with long hair. Obviously this looks bad.”
On one hand I’m relieved he realises that, on the other, I’m worried he doesn’t know you can cut hair properly.
“But it’s inconvenient. I don’t want to have to worry about my hair all the time. It means not looking after it for a while and letting it grow out, but it also means not wanting it in my face while I’m studying, grading tests, moving around, you know?”
“Hair ties? Hairclips? Anything?”
“Y-Yeah, obviously, but sometimes in a fit of rage I’ll grab a pair of scissors and chop it all off, like a regular person.”
“A fit of rage?”
“You think I thought this through?!”
“You’re an idiot!”
“I know!!”
“Good!!!”
Despite our ardent disagreement, the two of us somehow wind up turning our heads to look at the door at the same time. It looks like no one is hearing us… That’s probably for the better.
I turn to look at him again, shaking my head.
“And this is a habit of yours?”
He puffs up his cheeks again.
“It’s not like it matters much. It grows out.”
“Man, I don’t know if I’m gonna live to see it grown out.”
“D-Don’t say stuff like that.”
We also sigh at the same time.
“...And you’re studying to become a therapist?”
“A sex therapist! I can go all hashtag manic phase if I want to!!!!”
“What?”
“If you run into one of my teachers slash colleagues, I didn’t say that.”
“…You know what? Your life sounds stupid. I give up.”
I facepalm. I probably… went a little too far again, but he can take it, right…?
“I’ve been saying that for years, and yet, here I am.”
He crosses his arms. I can’t tell exactly how he’s feeling – he used to be a little more straightforward with his bad mood. I just know I feel a little uneasy…
We stand here in silence for some time. I don’t really know what to do with myself, just standing by one of the shelves… Most importantly, I don’t know how we ended up having this conversation.
It’s just that since seeing this photo of him as a kid… I’ve felt strongly that there’s something really stupid about his bad haircut.
“...You know, you’re probably the type of person who enjoys talking about fashion and what to look like, but I would prefer if my appearance weren’t under strong scrutiny.”
I grimace.
“Y-You shouldn’t take me too seriously.”
“It’s not just you. For a while now, I’ve felt like it doesn’t matter what I do with myself, because I’ll remain ugly anyway.”
“What? Ugly? I wouldn’t say something like that.”
As though this needs more emphasis, I’m shaking my head.
He stares at the shelf opposite me.
“It’s a complex. I know exactly how I developed it. It’s not that people are going around calling me ugly. Not at all.”
“…With or without the haircut, I’m sure you’re pretty popular.”
Tired of looking at him looking away, I stare at my feet.
“If you’re saying the truth that you’re usually more like you are now than how you were before.”
“Like, my personality? …It’s probably a mix of both.”
“...I guess I see what you mean. So how did you develop that complex?”
It sounds like a weird question coming out of my mouth, but I’m just using his words. There’s something honestly a little annoying about hearing someone who looks like him complaining that he’s ugly—but I realise I was being a bit aggressive about the look of his hair, so I probably don’t have a right to comment…
“Hmm… Well…”
We both turn our heads to look at the other at the same time. It’s awkward, so I look away…
“…Well, I’m sure being an overworked, depressed addict contributes somehow.”
…His words.
“But... perchance…”
“Although I might have to draw the limit at “perchance”.”
“Did you look at all the photos in the album?”
“Yes.”
“At least yours looked a little fun…”
So did he, apparently.
“But you saw me as a kid, right? Didn’t you notice something?”
“...”
I did, but…
…We couldn’t tell it was him until Jan pointed it out, but… I feel awkward saying that.
“I was assigned male at birth, you know.”
“Wuh…?”
“So you did notice.”
“You… But you… Why did you look so much like a little girl? It wasn’t how you were dressed, you really just…”
“...Some people said I looked androgynous, but it was very common for people to assume I was a girl at first.”
“Y-Yeah…”
I’m actually… … He might actually have to clarify this to Jan, Akiro and Lois too...
Although… It’s possible that he doesn’t care…?
“Then, once they learned I was a guy, people would always compliment me for my looks. Being a boy who looked like that was judged to be incredibly beautiful, and people would be seriously insistent about it.”
“Oh? Huh. That sounds nice.”
“Hmm... Well, I was a kid, so I was mostly uncomfortable with all that attention. And I felt like people were exaggerating, so it made me uneasy. I never knew what to say.”
“I guess I can see what you mean…? It’s not like you were a show dog. You probably had other things going on in your kid brain than wanting compliments.”
He nods.
“Hm-hm. Plus, with that whole misunderstanding about me being a girl in the first place… I felt weird about it for a long time, because I didn’t know how I felt about my gender yet. I was uneasy when people made the mistake, but it turned out to be mostly because I knew they would be corrected, and what would ensue. I would have preferred if people didn’t care which one I was.”
I… I can’t think of myself as kid, what I might have been like… But somehow, I have a feeling that a little boy would probably be really hurt if he were mistaken for a girl. I guess it speaks to Keith actually being neither.
Though he said he didn’t mind… Argh… He’s still confusing people, isn’t he?
“In any case, when I grew up, that stopped.”
“Oh?”
“It’s not like my face changed too much, but I still grew into a male body. People stopped mistaking me for a girl, and they stopped being so impressed with my looks.”
…
“It felt very sudden, actually. Suddenly, no one was commenting on my appearance. At first, I was relieved. But then I would catch myself hoping people would get it wrong, and be impressed again.”
I just don’t know what to say.
I hazard a look at his waist but look up right away. Wh... Why is this so embarrassing? And why did I do that?
He sighs.
“Most teenagers go through a phase of feeling ugly, but I internalised that I had become ugly and I could never go back… The end.”
“The end? You’re still there.”
“Yeah, but it’s the end of my sob story.”
Wasn’t he attending a funeral in that photo…?
“S... So you’re saying… You got used to… I mean, I think I get what you’re getting at.”
“I really did end up convincing myself that I'd grown to become ugly and could never look right. I just don’t have a healthy relationship with my appearance. I fell from too high.”
He shrugs, but I know he’s really bothered.
“I also resented myself for not appreciating it enough while I could, and I also couldn’t figure out what I wanted to look like, or how much it should matter.”
“But... since you’re so self-aware… You should be able to move past this now, shouldn’t you?”
He chuckles—but it’s not very believable.
“There’s a certain acronym that stands for two completely different concepts that appeal to either the “sex” or the “therapist” part of my job.”
“What…?”
“It doesn’t work for everyone, though… …Well, that’s true of either.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
I’m starting to miss the Keith who would have run away from you if he could.
“Just because I know why I feel this way doesn’t mean I can stop it so easily.”
“You could have just said that…”
“Yeah, but I’m a little bored.”
He turns around to grab a chair beside him and sit down.
“I’ve had enough of talking about me. It’s not that interesting.”
“Mhh… No, I don’t agree. I’m curious about you.”
“Really? You made it seem like you hate me.”
I sigh…
I… No, no way. I don’t think so. I guess from my experience since I’ve been here, there are people I’ve reacted to in ways that imply I don’t like them. I know I didn’t like Keith when he was being rude to Andi, who was trying so hard to be his friend.
But he’s… he’s just… How do I put it…?
Just…
“You’re kind of… just… a guy.”
“Pfft—”
At least it makes him laugh…
Why would I hate him? I’m flawed too. I honestly… I honestly dislike myself a lot more.
I don’t even know if it’s fair… And contrary to introspection-master Keith, I can’t even figure out why.
“That’s really just what people think of me, now, huh?”
He leans his elbow against the table and his cheek against his hand. He has a slight smile on his face… He’s still Keith, but he looks a little more relaxed, and I feel a little less tense thanks to that.
“Not really, since I’m an Ultimate. It’s all just social anxiety, at the end of the day.”
“...Oh, that’s really what it is.”
“Hm?”
“Uhm… I didn’t think of looking at it as that, but even your bad behaviour when you obviously liked the attention, that was clearly you not being able to deal with your feelings of anxiety.”
He nods.
“…But it’s my responsibility to learn. It’s embarrassing that I let it overwhelm me like that.”
“It’s not a crime, I guess. I mean… Obviously, I don’t hate you… Don’t say stuff like that.”
He smiles at me. His weird, overly polite reaction earlier showed me that he’s not completely socially inept… He really showed us a bad part of himself from the get go.
I can’t forget how frustrating his behaviour was, but I just can’t ignore that I understand him.
“I’m glad to hear it. You have to tell me stuff like that, since I always assume the worst out of any situation.”
Ah yes, obviously… It makes sense… That he does that…
“It’s... It’s actually a little weird how self-aware you are…”
“I’m usually like this... That’s why I’m really embarrassed.”
He lays his arm down and rests his head on top of it. It looks like an uncomfortable position—I look at his back out of habit, but that’s a mystery.
“But now it’s my responsibility to deal with my feelings of embarrassment in a healthy manner... Even though I really want to scream and cry about how it’s unfair and I hate myself for being a bad person.”
“I guess… It’s better to go on and do things right than to stay upset... Or something like that.”
“But if I start acting too nice after being really horrible to everyone, I’ll just freak people out and cringe myself to death.”
“You weren’t... “really horrible”… You pushed people away and made us roll our eyes… But everyone could see right through you, you know. Even me.”
And I don’t think I’m that bright.
“That’s so embarrassing...”
He hides his face inside his arm, his voice sounding like a whine.
“J-Just prove yourself, then.”
(At least you know who you really are.)
“You can just continue showing us your good side. We want to talk to you, right? Me, Jan, Chris...”
“I’m really lucky you guys are giving me this chance. That’s why it’s a lot of pressure.”
What a negative Nancy…!
And worst of all, I’m kind of getting an impression that I’m just like this too…!
“Y-You put it like… we’re just enduring… I mean…”
I sigh. He’s right… This stuff is a little cringe.
“You’re interesting, you know? That’s why I’ve been asking about your life. And Chris wants to hang out with you, right? Out of simple, genuine interest.”
It’s very easy to tell because I have seen Chris hang out with someone out of pity.
Keith isn’t… some kind of villain. When I think back to him being rude before, I already knew he was struggling, so I never could see him as such an extremely bad person. Not only that, but though I didn’t understand why, Andi liked to be with him… And… Now that I think about it, it also reminds me of something I read… …
“Really? I thought for sure she was using me as an excuse to run away from Isabella and Chloe.”
“So you do know…!”
At least, from inside his arm, he uses a tone that makes it obvious he’s not too serious.
“You’re right, though. I need to be more aware that you don’t hate me, and to act appropriately.”
He finally raises his head. I can see the anxiety written all over his face.
“You know…”
Haven’t I been saying that a lot? I feel a little nervous, but I remind myself that my body had already been aching earlier today. I walk up to his table and grab a chair next to him to sit myself.
“Lately, I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions… But talking to you makes me want to frame them differently.”
“Oh?”
He pushes one of his books slightly closer to the centre.
“Is that a positive? Having the ability to introspect is important, but it’s easy to slip into overthinking.”
“Y-Yeah, well, call me when you’ve figured out where the line is.”
He chuckles, but after marking a short pause, he grimaces again and places his hand behind his neck.
“So I’m not just bothering you… I mean… When I think about when I asked you about him, I know I pushed it too far, but I think about Chris’ efforts to mediate and I actually feel… a little bit hopeful.”
“Him...?”
He looks away.
“Benjamin.”
“Oh.”
…
Hmm…
I’ve been thinking about Ben throughout this entire conversation.
Ben and the library. Ben and his long hair. Ben and being “neither”. Ben and Keith.
And me… And hating him.
“I definitely don’t hate you…”
I don’t know why that came out of my mouth. I raise my eyes to stare at the ceiling.
“A rude comparison for me to make.”
Yet I’m tempted.
“You know, Ben was non-binary.”
“W—”
Maybe it’s because he insisted on “him” so strongly…?
“I don’t care.”
Ah, I’ve made Keith sad.
Well, that’s…
I don’t know, I feel weird. Unusually accepting of it.
“Don’t you?”
…
“Hey, don’t you?”
“What? Why?”
“I can’t not care. I can’t help asking myself questions about him and why he did what he did.”
“Well, that’s how you feel about it.”
“You don’t?”
He pinches his lips.
I catch myself tilting my head and leaning closer to him. I don’t have the knowledge to say whether or not we’re similar individuals.
My thoughts are getting messy… Where was I going with this?
“Why would I...”
He shakes his head like a wet dog.
“Why would I care? I don’t care what kind of person he was—that won't jusitfy it. There’s no excuse, no… it doesn’t matter what else was going on in his head.”
…
“I… I didn’t care about this guy, this person before, and I’m not gonna start now that he’s done something like… Something so horrible…”
He tugs on his lower lip. His face is turning pale, even a little green.
“Not even if he had an interest in you?”
“W-What?”
… … I don’t think there’s anything I can appropriately add to that.
Keith scrunches up his face and shoves his thumb in his mouth to bite down on it, I have to say, a little too violently.
“I don’t care.”
Liar…
I don’t know why he feels that way, though.
…
“Hey, Keith?”
“Hm?”
He’s sweaty. He’s visibly trying to get ahold of himself.
“That uniform makes you look stuck-up, but it could always have been worse.”

Keith took the bait and we changed the subject.
He told me about being a student and having to intervene as a teacher at the same time because of his very specific talent, and feeling weird about having to go back and forth, wondering about how everyone else sees him beyond his star power from being an Ultimate, but having no choice but to go with the motions.
He asked me about my life, but all I could do was present myself as a workaholic. Out of everyone, I’m worried he might be onto me…
…

Why am I even worried about that?
I ended up telling Ciel about it, and now he’s gone. I feel a little bit… No, I feel very much hopeless.
(Grooooowwwwllllll.)
“Huh? Was that me?”
“Oof… Nope.”
Keith places his hands precipitately over his abdomen, like that’s gonna stop it from complaining.
“What time is it? Are you already hungry?”
“W-Why are you asking that like you’re in charge of feeding me? We’ve been here a while.”
When we ran out of things to say, Keith eventually went back to studying. I pretended to grab a book off one of the shelves at some point, but all I did was set it on my lap and stay lost in thought.
He takes his handbook out of his pocket.
“It’s past six.”
“Already?”
Becoming aware of myself again, I start to feel cold. I don’t think it actually is cold, though.
“I wasn’t very hungry for lunch, but of course, now...”
All things considered, I had a pretty big appetite. I felt horrible this morning, but… after exploring the new floor with Jan and Akiro, and then talking to Lois, I somehow didn’t feel so overwhelmingly weak.
“It’s no use studying hungry. I’ll go grab something.”
He closes multiple books and hides his notes underneath one of them. It’s hard to believe he was actually reading from all of them.
I wonder if I ever studied anything at all.
He stands up.
“Oh… Wait, don’t go alone.”
“...Sorry for bothering you.”
“No, no, it’s fine.”
Standing up to put the book I grabbed earlier back in its shelf, unread, I feel a little bit embarrassed.

Should I grab something for myself?
Just yesterday, I saw my first true friend’s dead body.
I don’t feel hungry, but knowing myself, I’ll be winding up my day soon and I probably won’t feel like coming back here.
Although I don’t “know myself” because I have barely any memories of who I was before landing here aside from being a voice actor.
Keith told me that people advise sucking on a cinnamon stick or something to avoid your tobacco cravings, but it sounds stupid and frustrates him so much it makes him need a smoke even more.
Mina had broken bones from being violently strangled.
To be honest, I can’t see Keith using one of these methods to stop a craving without having a cringe attack.
I genuinely thought Oscar hadn’t meant to hurt Mina’s feelings.
The Ultimate Sexologist comes out of the kitchen with a banana, a coffee, and a tablet of dark chocolate.
He sits down.
“Can I have some?”
“This?”
He raises the chocolate in my direction.
I don’t even know what kind of tastes I have, but I know I gravitate towards different foods. Like tea over coffee. But I don’t dislike coffee.
“Something sweet won’t hurt me.”
“Knock yourself out.”
He has already broken off a couple squares for himself. I break off the rest of the bar and hear myself sighing.
“You sound tired.”
“Makes sense, right…?”
“Hm-hm.”
He breaks off the chocolate in his mouth with a loud “CLACK”.
…I really am tired. Once again, we hang out in silence. Keith doing something that makes sense. Neo doing nothing at all.
When he finishes eating, he heads back to the kitchen to wash his cup, and I don’t even turn my head to look at him.
“You might be better off in your room. I can walk you there, if you want.”
Oh… sounds like he’s done.
“You think so…? I mean… Yeah, I guess.”
I try to force a smile in his direction.
“You’re the one who won’t be able to sleep at night if you don’t do that, right?”
Apparently, I don’t even care.
“Eurgh... You’re not wrong.”
If we’re careful enough, could we really avoid another tragedy?

Keith walks me to the dorms.

By the sounds of it, we’re finally going to run into someone. Two people are chatting inside.
“Really? That’s cute.”
Passing the door, I immediately see Alice and Chloe, apparently on their way out.
“Oh! Alice!”
I run towards them without thinking about it—yeowch, the back of my head hurts.
“Oh?”
“I haven’t seen you all day!”
Behind me, Keith chuckles.
“Hello, boys… Whatchu laughing at, softie?”
“Neo’s hype from seeing you. He had to endure me the entire afternoon.”
“Wow… Tragic.”
“Is “softie” like… a pet name, or an insult?”
“Knowing Alice, it’s probably both.”
“No way. I love you to death. I would never.”
“N-No you don’t. Neo, tell her she doesn’t.”
“D… Deal with it yourself…”
“It’s really good to see Keith reform himself.”
“I’m not joining some sort of religion...”
“What? Who said you were?”
“I also love Chloe to death.”
…
“A—Ah…”
… …Morosexual?
Chloe’s face goes bright red.
“Anyhow, I’m going to study the dark arts in the library. Good night, Neo.”
“The dark arts?”
(Medicine.)
“Good night?”
(Evening.)
Keith turns his back to us, waves goodbye and walks out without further comment.
I’ve already had a glimpse of what’s going on inside his head, and I don’t think I need any more, so I won’t ask.
“I’m spent and I can’t do anything with myself. It won’t hurt me to be lying down.”
“Ah, really? Are you doing okay…?”
“W-What about you? I haven’t seen you all day...”
“You already said that.”
“Ah, uh, maybe…”
I totally did.
“I’m doing fine. I’m feeling hungry, so I was heading to the kitchen…”
“Oh, did you, did you end up eating lunch?”
She shakes her head.
“No. I’d eaten a hefty breakfast, so I didn’t need to.”
My heart feels like it’s shrinking inside my chest.
“A-Ah, then, in that case, you might be able to grab the leftovers Jan left for y—”
“No. I’m not going to eat something that’s been left over for hours. If anything, if something happened to me then, Jan would take the blame, and that wouldn’t be good for him.”
“…Ah.”
She moved her hand in the air as if to physically stop me.
“Yeah… It’s actually odd that Jan didn’t think of that…”
Alice looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn’t.
“S-So…”
…
I don’t know what to say. So she’s not going to avoid the food out of distaste for Jan… But he was so worried...
Wouldn’t Chloe have been able to bring it to her? Or… is even that too unsafe for us…?
“J-Jan isn’t already in the kitchen, is he? He always makes something for us, but not… dinner for everyone, so it doesn’t take that long. It’s still early. He’ll only be cooking for two.”
“You’re avoiding him…?”
She looks down at her shoes.
“…Yeah.”
“B-But Jan didn’t do anything wrong…”
…
“I know.”
I should probably mind my own business, but…
The three of them together have a serious influence on our morale. I think everyone knows that to some degree.
Is that a selfish way to look at it…?
“Jan never does anything wrong, does he?”
“Huh?”
“What did I do differently, that Akiro pushed me away but accepted him with no issue? We’ve been friends for the same amount of time. It’s always the three of us, but Akiro only cares about Jan.”
“…”
“It’s one thing to have a crush. But what’s so different about me that I’m not a safe person to Akiro… but Jan is…?”
“Hmm… Hmm… What she means is… Because of the state he was in, Akiro didn’t make a choice or judgement, but actually needed Jan and not her.”
“And why…? I need to figure this out.”
“D-Do you?”
She nods before raising her head to look at me.
She has a serious expression I usually only see on her when someone has just died.
(Technically, seven have.)
“I’m really hurt.”
“I’m s—I’m sorr—”
“Neo, I just need to seriously sit with my feelings.”
She grimaces.
“I need time to figure it out.”
“T-To figure out if you want to be friends with them…?”
“To figure out... To figure out why Akiro doesn’t care about me…”
She looks in another direction again.
“Why I have these negative feelings about Jan…”
“If… If you really have negative feelings, I guess you don’t have to…”
“I do…! Akiro and Jan are…”
Her face gets all sorts of distorted.
“Just… Just leave me alone…”
“I’m, I’m sorr—J—Any, anything you want…!”
I take a step back, then forward, then back again, waving my hands in front of me. Gh…!
“Neeeoooo…! I’m not mad at you!”
She turns to look me in the eye, and I sigh in relief, but I don’t actually feel the relief.
She looks genuine but unhappy.
“I actually just need time. It’s no use, okay?”
“O-Okay.”
“Are you saying that just to make me happy, or do you actually understand?”
“N…No, I got it.”
“I’m sorry for upsetting everyone, but I… I can’t help it.”
“I w… No matter what decision you make, I just want you to be happy with it.”
“...Yeah.”
Chloe’s lack of comments makes me think they already had that conversation.
“...That’s why it makes sense… Not to rush.”
…
Rush…
“Speaking of rushing, I should really go. I’ll catch you tomorrow, then, Neo?”
“Will you?”
“Hm?”
…
“…What if something happens to me before then?”
“Neo.”
She frowns. It feels like I’m about to get scolded.
“Have a good night rest, stay safe, and if you get up early tomorrow, you might run into me for breakfast. Okay?”
“…You’re right.”
“As usual.”
She smiles.
I smile too. Before I started asking myself so many questions, I looked at Alice as an example of the kind of person I strived to be.
“Alright, go on.”
“Y-You’re rushing me?”
Bad word choice.
“I’m hungry. But Keith didn’t come all the way here with you so no one would make sure you got back safely, did he? I’m not leaving as long as I don’t hear that door locking.”