CHAPTER 2 · 1 · Falling

I’m falling…
I was scared at first, but as I kept on falling, it became rather… boring. Depressing, I’d say. In any case, that’s how I feel about it.
Well, I don’t know if depression is all that I feel. I can feel my organs twisting up, and my chest being pressed like it’s trying to get through my back. Yet, I can’t fully say I’m anxious. It’s twisting me up… But at the same time, it’s like I don’t feel anything.
I’m both pained and empty.
I don’t know which it is truly.

I look around me. The walls, or whatever matter is surrounding me, are completely covered in blood. Only a few patches here and there are clean, in the shape of crosses…
So many crosses… The more I concentrate on them, the more there are.
Crosses were the blood is not.
Blood… And a cross. Blood… And a cross. What’s so familiar about this imagery?
Blood… Cross.
…
…
Dying...

“… Message!”
Huh. I just woke up.

I look at the time on my Monopad. It’s 11AM… Crap. I slept a ton.
How come there wasn’t a morning announcement?
… Now that I think about it, I have some vague memory of hearing Monokuma’s voice. I can gather that it was in the early morning… Though it feels like it was ages ago.
Time makes no sense to me anymore. It was about 1PM when we left the trial room. Scared and alone… I figured I’d be better off in my room. I never came out afterwards… I tried to think about what had just happened, but my head felt numb. So I just closed my eyes… And then I slept.

When I think about it, I wonder if my head was really as empty as it felt. Trying to recall the way I felt, it’s like I was thinking about too many things at once, but at the same time, nothing connected, nothing happened.
Now, though…
Dying message. It clicked inside my head, but I have yet to make sense out of it.
What was it about..? Blood… And crosses, was it? Dying message…
…

Oh, crap. I suddenly slap myself on the mouth—I mean, I meant to just cover it but I was a bit too violent. Whatever. Why did my brain choose to send me this information?
Emily… Left us a dying message. She didn’t needlessly scribble her own blood all over her face…
She drew a cross over her mouth to let us know the one who killed her was the one amongst us who could not speak. Turns out he could but… She didn’t know. Nor did we.
So… That’s really it, right? It has to be.
…

It hurts. Emily… She tried to help us. She had no time left… No choice but to die… And she chose to help us find her killer.
And her killer…
Was our friend. I was sad to see him go. I still am.
I feel awful. Noah killed Emily. It feels so unreal. The cheeriest among us… Gone. No… The two of them. Is this… Noah’s fault?
Or Monokuma’s?
Noah was hurt, wasn’t he.. ? So he was sensible and Monokuma forced him to…
…
But why did he do it and not someone else?
I guess…
I guess Noah had been trained to kill after all. To kill in order to protect other people. I guess… We should have been more careful.
We should have taken this situation more seriously.
It really felt like I did, though… It did affect me, but… At the end of the day, we were reckless. What we attempted to do was surface-level stuff… We didn’t truly think anything through. This is why we isolated one person every night like a bunch of idiots.
But now… We know. We can’t let this happen again…

With that in mind, I suddenly get up. Huh… I didn’t particularly want to. But now that my body moved on its own, I guess I should do something, anything.
I don’t really want to eat, in fact, just thinking about it makes me want to throw up, but I don’t want to not eat either. I absolutely want to get out of my room and see the others, but at the same time, my body feels compelled to get back in bed.
Crap. This is difficult. Why do my feelings contradict themselves so much? There’s no helping it… I have to force myself to do what’s right. It requires a lot more effort than it usually does… But I manage to grab some new clothes and walk in the shower.

Uurh… I really feel like throwing up, but I don’t have anything to throw up. I feel kind of dizzy as well. Does it mean I should actually eat.. ? Whatever. I don’t want to… But I’ll surely figure it out by the time I get to the kitchen.
Once I’m clean and clothed, I head out of my room and lock it behind me.

No one’s walking about the dormitory’s hall. I don’t know why, but that makes my stomach twist even more.
… Doesn’t matter. I just have to get to the kitchen.
The thought crosses my mind that Emily would want everyone to survive.
Surely… That what’s driving me right now.

Without crossing paths with anyone, I finally reach the dining room and stumble upon some friendly faces.
Sitting next to each other at the main table are Alice, Andi and… What I can only guess is Chris, her face buried in her arms.

“Oooh, look who’s here!”
“Aaay, Neo.”
… Chris makes some sort of grumbling noise.
“H-hi guys…”
Ugh. Talk about a voice actor. My voice came out ridiculously deep, and I couldn’t control it.
“Are you gonna eat something?”
“Urrh… I guess so.”
“Hmm… Well then, let me know if you need help with anything. Our usual chef hasn’t graced us with his presence yet today, but I’ll try my best anyway.”
“That’s… nice of you.”
“It’s not like Jan’s the only person who’s been in a kitchen ever before.”
“Yeaah, but we’re used to him making breakfast now! He can’t just ditch us like that…”
Andi sighed exaggeratedly. Frozen in place, I look at her and Alice in turn, following their conversation like there’s nothing else.
“Don’t be heartless, he probably needs some time for himself...”
“Ugh, these boys are WEAK!”
She looks annoyed as she bites down on a croissant.
Alice hesitates.
“… I mean, yes, but still.”
She smiles, for some reason.
“Isn’t he supposed to like cooking or sumthin? All I’m saying is he should do something he likes instead of brooding all day.”
Someone’s ears must be ringing. For all we know, Jan could be sound asleep. Plus, it’s not even been a day…
“I wholeheartedly agree, Andi. Your coffee sucks.”
“How am I supposed to know how you dose the stuff???”
“I don’t know, but I know, so how come you don’t know?”
“Ugggh…”
Boom. Chris’ head slowly hits the table. The three of us stare at her in silence for a few seconds before Alice sighs.
“Well, our conclusion is that today’s coffee was disgusting because of the patriarchy, is that right?”
What kind of conclusion is that?
“That’s right! Men are trash!”
…
“True…”
Chris was speaking to the table, but I’m pretty sure she said “true”. Come on, why did she have to join in? I feel like there’s nothing I can possibly say that would sound right. I mean, not that I was contributing to the conversation anyway…
“… Ha, come on, you can’t say that. Not in front of Neo, who’s literally done nothing wrong.”
“Why not?”
“Well, Neo’s not trash.”
I feel like trash.
“And it’s probably not the best time to tell anyone they are.”
“Pff, of course Neo’s not trash. I’m not saying each individual man is trash, it’s that men, as a concept, are trash.”
“... Huh, that’s interesting. Do you want to elaborate?”
“Well… It’s stuff about the way boys are raised and the view they have of the concept of men. So, like… Men, as a concept, that’s trash.”
“Hmm… Sounds like you definitely came up with that on your own.”
“Nah I didn’t. I just heard some girl say that in a café once. She was really passionate about it. She talked about having a lot of sources and then went on some stuff about neurology for a while. It all sounded very smart.”
“Do you just… pick up what other people say without thinking about it?”
“It’s not like I didn’t think about it! It sounded right. And it still does, I just suck at explaining it. I swear it makes sense. Anyway, how else am I supposed to learn?”
“Uuuh, the way everyone else learns stuff?”
“Y’all do it differently?”
“Whateveeeeer…”
She lifted her head upwards just enough to rest her nose on her right arm.
“Men suck, that’s all.”
“Huh?”
“Men are the worst.”
Chris finally sits upwards.
“You know what? Fuck men. Men are the bane of my existence!”
That’s… Well… I don’t know.
She hits the surface of the table with her fist.
“God I fucking hate men.”
“Oops…”
Alice seems speechless. As for I…
Well, I can’t blame her for trying to find a culprit. Something about her frustrated tone tells me she’s just trying to cope… And deep down, she knows she’s not saying the truth. And I don’t mean that as a statement on gender… Chris’ problem… Our problem is simply something else entirely.
Finding a popular culprit is just easier.
“Yeah, that’s right.”
After being unable to say anything for a whole debate, I finally decide to say whatever I feel like.
The three girls stare at me. I try to put myself in Chris’ shoes. It’s Noah she’s thinking about, right? Noah’s… Noah was a guy. And to tell the truth, I’m super hurt by what he did too. And when I think about it… Associating Noah with what he is… It’s pretty easy to put myself in the position of “men hurt me”.
“Frankly, men need to stop.”
“Wow… No way, he’s not being sarcastic at all!”
I sit next to Chris.
The more I think about it, the angrier I am about what Noah did.
“Of course a guy would do that.”
“Shit, I never knew she could be contagious.”
Chris lets out a pained laugh.
“You tryin’ to appeal to your female audience?”
I look at her and think about it.
“No… I’m just trying to understand you. And I guess it’s working.”
“Really?”
Man… She looks tired. And so sad. She’s expressive still, and I can clearly tell she’s hesitating.
“When I think about the way Noah hurt us, it’s easy to tell myself that other people similar to him can hurt me.”
I nod. I think I’m making sense out of this.
“I guess I’m trying to protect myself by defining who could potentially hurt me so bad again in order to avoid them. Masculinity was the topic Andi brought up, and it’s one of the groups Noah belongs to, but it could have been something else.”
I try to think about what defines Noah. A soldier, handicapped, mute… So incredibly lovely… Argh. That’s what’s so scary about it.
Chris, on the other hand… Her eyes tear up.
“I know… Right? But… But I know it doesn’t have anything to do with these things…”
“I don’t know, the last things he said sounded super guy-ish.”
“Cut it out…”
I can’t bring myself to look at her in the eyes any longer. I stare at my own legs instead.
“It’s… hard to say. What made him like that… It’s probably so many things… We can’t possibly tell.”
…
She doesn’t answer.
“Jeez… You don’t have to be scared.”
… I don’t know what to say.
“Well, I guess it’s not like you have a choice. But you guys really shouldn’t be overthinking it, okay? Just… Process what you’re going through at your own rhythm. You’ll have all the time you want to make sense out of everything. We’ll make sure of that.”
“Ha…”
Will Chris and I… Do we have much time left? What happened to Emily… All of her thoughts, feelings, problems, joys, cut so short, so suddenly… Will that happen to us as well?
Will Alice always be there… To make sure that we’re safe?
“Ugghh, that’s some heavy stuff. But whatever, I’ll always be here for you.”
“What, really?”
I guess Andi’s statement was so wild, the both of us had to suddenly turn our focus to her… We both stare.
“What do you mean “what, really”? I mean, I’m here, so like, what can I do, I’m here, I’ll stay here, and there’s no way around it! I’ll say some stuff that’ll make you think, some stuff that’ll make you think about me, make your brainiums work every now and then, isn’t that all I’m supposed to do?”
“Huh..?”
Chris hesitates, and then she laughs.
“I see, I see…”
She crosses her arms and directs her attention to the table again with a sigh.
“… I think I’ll stay angry at men for a little while.”
“If that’s what’s easier for you, then by all means, go ahead.”
Smiling again, Alice shrugs.
“If that state of mind lasts for too long, then we’ll have to do something about it, but how are you supposed to process what you feel if you don’t let yourself feel it first? Anyway…”
She points at me.
“How about you stop trying to turn into a sponge for everyone’s feelings and eat something instead? You look awful.”
Rude.
“True.”
…
“Haha…”
Alright, alright. I let out a nervous laugh.
So that’s how it is… That’s the situation. Chris is having a hard time processing what happened, meanwhile, Alice and Andi eat their breakfast and have terrible debates. It’s not that the two of them aren’t scared, or hurt. I can recall Andi’s grave voice and her sullen look when she asked Noah “so you killed your father”. He was standing right next to her. Actually, she must have been terrified.
Sometimes, I think to myself Emily and Andi are quite similar. Yet, they’re different. I’ve only known Emily for what… a few days… And yet, I’ll miss her immensely. That’s how impressive she was. But she’s not the only person who matters… I’m standing not too far away from someone who’s the same type of impressive. Then there’s someone who’s always supporting everyone, for whatever reason. And then there’s someone… Who was rightfully complimented at the worst time and in the worst manner… By the worst person, I figure.
They’re still here.
They have no choice but to keep on living. And living means feeling, thinking… talking, eating.

I sigh and finally get up again.
“I’ll go grab something.”
When I think too hard about it, the idea of eating makes me want to throw up. But it’s that same feeling again… I don’t want not to do it either.
Life goes on. The same silly or boring situations will keep on coming. Even though we were hurt… Even though our feelings were trampled on… Even though we may never see things the same way ever again… They’ll never stop. And no one can change that.

Emily was killed… Noah too. He said so many worrying things… The trial was a traumatic experience… And yet, I just woke up, listened to these girls ramble for a while, and now I’m thinking about drinking some nice tea with a little sugar.
Because what else could I do?

Urgh… My eyes just won’t focus. How long does this tea need to infuse..? I hope my vision isn’t getting bad…
“Come back!” I think, talking to my blurry vision.

“’sup?”
“Aaah!”
I jump in surprise, letting go of the metal box I was staring at. Someone made their way right next to me… And that someone is Ciel.
My crazy-haired friend strikes an uncomfortable smile.

“Lost in thought, much?”
I sigh, but seeing such a friendly face makes me smile a little bit – though it may mostly be nervous.
“I’m just a little slow today.”
While I kneel down to get back the box I dropped, they take a step back and answer.
“Aah… Well… Of course.”
“I mean, I guess.”
I just came up with that. I don’t really know how I am today. I’m kind of just… There?
Back on my feet… Literally, definitely not figuratively, I shake the box in front of Ciel.
“Want some?”

Ciel nodded, so I made tea and we both went back to the dining room.
Chris had already left when we did, though, so we sat with Andi and Alice, who were both done with their breakfast… or whatever it was… it’s already rather late in the morning, isn’t it? Anyway, whatever meal they just ate, they’re finished with it but they don’t seem willing to leave.
“I hope Chris isn’t mad at you or something…”
Andi had been silently staring at Ciel.
“Mad at me?”
“Yeah… I mean… Uuuuh…”
She tilts her head, frowning hesitantly.
“Are you a guy..?”
“For fuck’s sake.”
Alice facepalms, and I tense up a little – how often does Ciel have to go over this? Especially in our situation… Does it really matter? I mean, I guess they do look almost perfectly androgynous, so knowing Andi, she’s probably genuinely unsure.
Who am I to blame her? I still can’t even figure if her hair is red or pink.
Ciel, however, doesn’t react much. Actually, they blankly keep staring at the cup of tea I poured them earlier with a neutral expression.
“What do you think I am?”
“Uuuh… Huh?!”
Serves her right… I think?
What does Ciel expect to get out of her, answering this way? Maybe they’re too depressed to deal with this conversation right now. If that’s the case, I wholeheartedly understand, so… I think it’d be okay if they just told her off. I mean, it’s Andi we’re talking about…
“I, uuuh… Hmm…”
Panicked at first, she places her index finger on her lips as she frowns, thinking it through for a few seconds, before she nods solemnly.
“Well, by the way people have been addressing you, I seemed to understand you could identify both as a guy or neither, so… Since I don’t know how you feel, I don’t know if you’d identify with the word “man”.”
“Haha.”
Ciel immediately lets out a short, deep laugh, but it quickly turns into a giggle.
“Heh, that was a good answer.”
Andi starts laughing too, but she looks completely confused.
“Nice! … Why are you laughing then?”
Ciel calms down and shakes their head.
“I didn’t expect that, is all.”
They sigh.
“My personal feelings are that I’m okay being called a guy.”
“Ah, that’s cool!”
Andi nods, looking satisfied.
“… Now I don’t remember why I even asked that.”
“You were talking about Chris being mad at Ciel.”
Alice looks reassured that this went down well. Thinking about it, I nod to myself… Yes, this is good. I think I’m still dumbstruck by how good of an answer this was on Andi’s part.
… Did she come up with that on her own?
“Oh yeah, that’s right! … Well, it doesn’t even matter if Ciel’s a guy or not. I was just thinking about her newest rant. But like, I was thinking, maybe she’s avoiding… him, because she just left.”
“Hmm… I don’t think that has to do with Ciel in particular. She was probably overwhelmed by seeing too many people, whoever they were.”
“Aaah, she said she was tired, didn’t she…”
“It’d make sense if she wanted to avoid me for now, though.”
“Really?”
Ciel takes a sip, and I notice that they’ve gone back to a neutral-looking expression. They’re a bit confusing today, aren’t they.. ? I mean, they were obviously a huge help to Chris yesterday.
“She probably feels awkward around me. It didn’t look like she’d ever had an anxiety attack before… So she probably doesn’t know how to feel about getting helped.”
“About getting helped?”
Ciel nods, turning to Alice.
“Hm-hm. Let’s say you fall and some stranger kindly helps you up, then keeps walking next to you… Wouldn’t you feel awkward?”
“Sounds like the intro to a romance movie!”
“I would never fall.” Alice says in turn, crossing her arms.
“Eurgh… Bad example, then.”
These two look like a tough crowd, but I can’t help feeling a little more peaceful hearing Ciel chat it up a little. Something about the way they behave feels dramatic… And yet, they can still talk about whatever, almost like nothing’s wrong—something like that. I may be misreading it… But still, this conversation feels a little bit reassuring to me.
“I mean, she probably feels bad for opening up to someone random and letting them take care of her, you know? She probably wouldn’t have picked me if she had a choice.”
“Why not? You’re our friend too!”
“Ha…”
How friendly of her… Well, seeing how she behaves around Keith, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Andi is someone who’d want to be friends with literally anyone. Hey, by the way, how is he doing?
“Who else would she pick.. ? She’d just lost the person closest to her… Obviously, you were the only one who knew how to help her at the time, so…”
Alice starts to look defeated, and when she’s done talking, so does Ciel.
“That’s… Sad…”
…
“Yeah, obviously it’s sad!”
Andi’s pitch escalates throughout her claim. She then sighs heavily and gets up from her chair to sit on the table.
“We all know that, so what’s the use saying it? I think we need to point out stuff that’s not too obvious. Like… Hey, Neo, your hair looks really nice today!”
“Huh… Thanks?”
“Yeah, whatever. I mean it’s true, but we don’t need to completely avoid the topic… It’s just… Like…”
She shakes her head frustratingly.
“Ciel’s obviously super empathetic and educated on stuff about psychology or whatchamacallit, so that’s really cool! We have a star at our table!”
“What?”
Ciel somehow giggles again. I’m… Glad.
“A star, now? Oh man, what should I do?” Alice answers with a snarky laugh.
“I don’t know! Maybe we should reflect upon our condition as humans, what makes someone special, or some shit. Or maybe we could just… Appreciate what we do have, when we’re surrounded by tons of scary stuff.”
…
Nobody answers at first, and Andi quickly starts to look uncomfortable.
“Wait a sec, I’m the one who does the inspirational speeches!”
Alice frowns at first, shaking her head, but then stops and looks at Andi with a kind smile, her arms still crossed.
“Well… Maybe you too inspired me.”
Her interlocutor opens her mouth but doesn’t say anything, immediately taken aback by this new declaration. Andi looks really serious, a little sad, even. I’m… I don’t know what to say. She’s really putting on a show today, isn’t she? It’s just… I think I’m proud of her.
“Wow, you’re on fire today.”
Ciel is… still giggling. Oh right, that’s a thing they do, isn’t it?
“Hmm…”
Ah, Andi lowers her head some more. It seems she’s suddenly switched to fully sad, when she was so determined a second ago.
“Ha… Come on.”
Ciel struggles to calm themselves down, and I simply watch, feeling as though I’m unfit to cheer Andi up… I mean… … How is one supposed to deal with her, exactly? I guess I’m hoping to learn from someone who’s better at this than I am.
“Don’t strain yourself too much, okay?”
Andi doesn’t answer, now the one staring blankly in front of her.
“Everything you’re saying is super interesting, so I’d really like to hear more about your point of view on everyone… everything. But first, you gotta give yourself time to think things through, right? It’s okay if we have to wait.”
Ciel’s smile highlights their dark circles, but they still look beautiful… I’d say they’re shining.
So was Andi, an instant ago.
I glance at Alice. Will it be our turn, too?
… Can this situation truly bring us the light inside of us? If we manage to get over this… The way we do it… That’ll be us shining, won’t it?
“Yeah!”
“Wut?”
Here’s to Neo talking to himself out loud and getting to watch Andi’s face suddenly move from sadness to judgment. Would that be my way to shine?
… I hope not. In any case, I’m not sure I understand what Ciel meant, but listening to them really brought out something within me. I crack my fingers and laugh nervously… I try to think about it the way Ciel would. It’s okay to be nervous, right? Surely it is. And I’d rather laugh nervously… Than break down crying.
So I nod to myself with a newfound determination.
“I think we’re doing great!”
“…Wut?”
Andi looks completely dejected, but I just can’t take her mood swings to heart, else I’ll become the exact same.
“I’m feeling super inspired by the way everyone is reacting today, so… Talking to you guys is really helping me feel better.”
It’s not like I can spend the rest of my life brooding… I mean… I don’t want to. So if anything can help me get other this bad feeling quicker…
“Heh…”
She stares at me with a sullen look for a solid few seconds before she suddenly takes her head in her hands and throws her upper body backwards.
“Uuughhh, this is so annoying!”
“Wha-”
She slings back immediately.
“I completely killed my own vibe in a heartbeat! Man, why does it have to be like this? It sucks!”
I’m… not sure what she’s talking about, so I try to understand by relating it to what I’ve been feeling.
“Well, you know, we’re not saying you have to force yourself to be upbeat at all times… So it’s okay if you let yourself feel depressed at times.”
Ciel gives me A Look. An unamused one. … Did I say something wrong?
“Hm.”
Andi rolls her eyes.
“Sure. As long as we eventually get over it, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?”
I laugh nervously. I mean… Well, Ciel stopped looking at me almost immediately, so seriously, what was up with that look of disapproval? Anyway, Andi sounds more annoyed than she does “fine” right now, so…
“Yeah!”
She readjusts her “seat” and nods, gradually starting to smile more and more… extremely fast, that is.
“It’s just like you say. Chatting about everything makes me feel better.”
“Her mood swings are peculiarly frequent today… Aren’t they..?”
Whatever… She seems happier now, so I’m reassured once more.
“Then I’m glad!”
“The list of people stealing my job gets longer and longer…” Alice slowly remarks, her head in her right hand, elbow against the table, with a faint smile.
“Your job, now?”
“Is this about you being the one to usually cheer people up?”
“Yeah, that’s like, my thing! Ah, these youths who think they can replace an old woman…”
“You look 20 at most.”
“20?” she actually looks upset this time. “I’ll have you know I’m…”
“Well, Alice, how about you cheer up too?”
She blinks, visibly surprised by my intervention. Oops, I didn’t mean to interrupt her… I just… Spoke without thinking. I guess I should also word this a little better…
“I mean… Well. It makes me really happy to see each one of us get at least a little bit cheered up throughout this conversation, you know? And I feel like we look really cool doing so! So… I want to see you being all cool too.”
After all, Alice does fit that role really well. She encouraged me when we first found ourselves here… So I don’t want her to lose her spirit.
She laughs silently and shakes her head, sitting herself upright again.
“Don’t worry, honey, I’m paying attention to everything you all say.”
She marks a pause, briefly looking away.
“Listen to your own advice, won’t you? It’s probably okay if I let myself feel depressed for now.”
She sighs, yet she smiles, finally looking at each one of us in turn.
“I kinda wish Akiro and Jan were there right now, you know? We get along very well, so… I’d like to get through this together.”
“Oh…”
I see…
“But they totally seem like the type of guys who would rather be alone right now, so I guess I’ll just deal with it. … I mean, Akiro, that’s for sure…”
“Are you unsure whether Jan would like to be alone in this kind of situation? Well, the fact that he’s staying in for now kind of confirms it, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, he also isolated himself during the investigation yesterday… So I guess… While he’s a social guy, he’d still rather work some things through on his own.”
Is he a social guy? … I think I should really hang out with Alice, Akiro and Jan when they start feeling a little bit better. The three of them are people I’d really like to learn more about… And it feels like I haven’t had the chance to yet.
I should probably make the most of their presence while there’s still time…
… No!
“Well, I think-”

I try to say something, anything, to pretend I didn’t just have a very somber thought, but I’m interrupted by an extremely loud voice.
“Alright you little bastards!”